Always You
by mcdreaming93
Summary: Begins right after episode 4.04. Meredith finds herself pregnant and doesn't know how to tell Derek. Very angsty, but will end happily. I swear.
1. Always You

Meredith sat slumped forward on the cold tile floor in the handicap stall of the bathroom, her forehead resting heavily in her hand. She was so tired. Her whole body felt heavy and achy and broken. He always left her like this. The more he loved her, the more she pulled away and the more empty she felt.

_I want to marry you. I want have kids with you. _She wanted too. She wanted him. _I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you._ She wanted. But she didn't know how to ask._ I want to die when I'm a hundred and ten years old in your arms._ She wanted that too. When it was dark and she couldn't see. _I don't want forty-eight, uninterrupted hours. I want a lifetime. _She could want that too. Someday. She could. Maybe…

That word _lifetime_ was what got her. What made her limbs gravitate away from him instead of towards him. Lifetime. Forever. It scared her. It always had. She had a good reason. A whole list of good reasons. An entire fucking book of fantastic reasons why she should be so messed up. So dark and twisty. So scared. And he knew. He knew all the reasons, but she knew he was tired too. Maybe just as tired as she was.

This was the way it was with them. The push and pull. The whispered words of love at night when it was dark and the measured gazes the next day when it was light. She didn't know how to be with him except when it was dark. When his arms were wrapped around her and his body against hers was all there was. But then, inevitably, the day would come and she would pull away, putting the distance between them that would keep her safe until night.

For the past two weeks, that word—_lifetime_—was all she had thought about. It was always there, echoing faintly in the back of her mind. But when she was near him, it came roaring back to the forefront. Every word out of his mouth resonated the same way with her. _Lifetime. Forever. _She could want that too. She could get ready.

But it looked as if the universe was not going to give her that option.

From where she sat on the floor, she could just see the edge of the pregnancy test, hanging off the edge of the toilet. She knew she should look at it, but somehow it just seemed easier to sit on the floor and stare at the puke-colored walls of the stall that boxed her in. At first she had an excuse. She box had told her to wait three minutes before reading the results, but that time had elapsed around fifteen minutes ago and now she was just _waiting. _For nothing. For everything. For him.

She knew it would be positive. She just did. She could feel the changes in her body. The exhaustion she felt was a different kind than the kind she felt after a forty-eight hour shift. It reached her bones. It reached everywhere. It was inescapable. Just like the test that was balanced precariously on the edge of the toilet, less than five feet away. If she blew on it, maybe it would fall and disappear. Maybe she wanted it to.

With a sigh, Meredith lifted herself off the floor. As she reached her full height a sudden dizziness washed over her and she reached out to steady herself. She pressed her palm to the puke-colored wall and leaned. She suddenly wanted him very badly. And not in the desperate way she was used to when clothes were being torn from bodies and mouths were meeting in sloppy kisses. This was different. The want throbbed in her chest and made her draw in a shaky breath. She wanted too. She wanted_ him. _

She took a step forward and reached out, gripping the test and bringing it closer to her face. She squinted and peered at it. But no matter how much she scrunched up her face, those two pinks lines refused to disappear.

xxx

He watched her walk out of the bathroom and stop abruptly in the middle of the hall. He watched her squeeze her eyes shut and realized she was on the verge of crying. He watched her bow her head, tuck something into the pocket of her lab coat and then walk down the hallway. Then he followed her.

"Dr. Grey!" he called and hated the way it sounded. He never called her Meredith in the hospital anymore. But he had to force himself not to. It didn't sound right. He loved her name. He loved the way it felt on his tongue. It was soft and beautiful. Like her. It should never be Dr. Grey. Always Meredith. It should always be soft with them, never hard. "Dr. Grey," he said again as he caught up with her.

She turned towards him and the sadness he had seen on her face when she walked out of the bathroom was gone. Bottled up so he wouldn't see it. "Dr. Shepherd," she said. When he didn't say anything more, she raised her eyebrows at him. He was the one who stopped her in the middle of the hallway. "Do you need something?" she asked.

He winced inwardly. _Do you need something? _Like she was his intern and he was her boss. _Do you need something? _Yes. You. Always you. Never anyone else. "I was just, uh…" he trailed off and searched her eyes. Her eyes. He loved her eyes. He loved the way they darkened when her clothes were scattered at his feet and he was whispering exactly what he was going to do to her. He loved the way they would twinkle with an equal amount of amusement and love when he poured himself yet another bowl of Muesli. He loved when they softened and she looked at him with that openness that he never saw anymore except after sex. She used to look at him like that all the time. Now they were empty. She wouldn't give him anything.

He realized she had begun to back away from him and he suddenly couldn't bear the thought of her leaving. "Listen, if you don't need me…"

"No!" His voice was an instant contradiction. "No, I need you." _I need you. _She looked confused when he didn't say more. They didn't do this anymore. "I, uh…Mr. Thomson in room 1243 needs to be prepped for a craniotomy."

She nodded, the confusion gone, and turned away from him. He didn't move even as she walked further down the hall. Only when she had turned the corner, did he slowly begin walking again.

xxx

Once Mr. Thomson was prepped, the nurses began to wheel him towards the OR, but Meredith lagged behind. She stood in the doorway, her hand in pocket, her fingers running over the test.

Meredith had figured out pretty early on in their relationship that Derek would be a good father. She knew that innate gentleness that she loved so much about him would translate well into raising kids. If they ever had any. The future had seemed so hopeful and far off back then. Before the wife. Before the rest of it. When she still trusted him with her whole heart.

As she stood there, she lifted her hand out of her pocket and placed it on her stomach very carefully. It was an odd feeling, knowing that there was another human being growing inside her. But it was also strangely wonderful. She wished she could tell him this. But he was so far away.

"Dr. Grey?"

She abruptly dropped her hand to her side as if she had been caught doing something wrong. Derek was standing in front of her, looking at her with a concerned expression. "Is the patient prepped?" he asked with far more gentleness than the question merited.

"Yes," she said and the word came out slightly shaky.

He nodded but didn't move. He was less than an arm's length away. She could smell his comforting, Derek smell. She held his gaze tentatively at first and then with barely concealed longing. His eyes were very bright and very blue. She could fall into them. Maybe she already was. His gaze was so full of everything they ever said to each other. She wondered if her eyes looked like that. She hoped they didn't, but thought maybe they did.

He was asking her if she was okay in his own silent way and she wanted to let him know she was. She didn't want him to worry about her. She opened her mouth, wanting to say something to let him know she was fine, but instead she said, "We should go."

He nodded and his expression was so heartbroken that she made herself walk away from him so she wouldn't have to look at it anymore.

xxx

Meredith was already standing in the scrub room when Derek walked in after the surgery. He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye as he turned on the water and began running his hands under the stream. "Good job today," he said softly.

She turned towards him. "Thanks," she said, her voice so soft that he barely caught it over the roar of the water hitting the bottom of the sink.

They finished at the same time and turned off the tap. The silence was deafening. She grabbed a handful of towels and handed a few to him. He nodded his thanks and slowly began drying his hands, rubbing the rough paper over his fingers.

She found her gaze being drawn to his hands as they twisted around the paper towel. He had the most amazing hands. They could do the most amazing things to her body. She quickly recognized the desire as it curled in her stomach. She wanted. And this was a want she understood.

She finished drying her hands and tossed the towels in the trash. She began moving towards the door. When she passed him, she moved so close to him that he could feel the wind created by her body. He lifted his head as she passed and caught her gaze. He knew the look on her face well. Meredith wanted.

She knew he would follow her as she walked down the hall and slipped into the first on call room that she passed. She knew he would take any part of herself that she would offer. She heard the thud of the door closing and the click of the lock. It was night outside and dark in the room. She couldn't see anything and that made it safe.

He could hear her breathing. He could barely make out the outline of her face from where he stood. "Meredith," he murmured, his voice low. He reached out a hand towards her and she moved closer. Close enough so that he could wrap his arm around her waist and draw her into his body. He waited for the feel of her fingers gripping the edge of his shirt. He waited for the hard, urgent kisses that left no room for argument.

But they never came.

Instead, she simply leaned against him, resting her head in the very center of his chest. He was so surprised that it took him a second to figure out how to hold her. He was out of practice. It had been a long time since she had asked him to hold her for the sake of being held. He missed it, and it didn't take him long before he remembered to wrap his arms around her.

As his arms found their way around her, she leaned more heavily against him until he was supporting her entire body weight. "Are you okay?" he asked.

She closed her eyes. "No," she whispered. In the dark, she could say things like this and pretend she was telling no one but the blackness.

"Okay," he said, turning his lips into her hair and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

She drew in a shaky breath. He drew her closer until their bodies were pressed together. Until her stomach was pressed against his. She tried not to think of the life caught between him. It made things complicated. She didn't need complicated. She had complicated all by herself.

She didn't realize she was crying until she felt the dampness from her cheek seeping into his scrub shirt. He dipped his head and pressed his lips against the wet streak that ran its way down her cheek. "Mer," he murmured. He was sad. Sad for her. She didn't want him to be.

She shook her head. "It's fine," she mumbled. She angled her mouth upwards until it met his, but he didn't kiss her the way he was supposed to kiss her. He kissed her gently as if he was afraid she would break. She hated it. She wanted to feel the firm pressure of his lips against hers, of his thighs against hers, of his body against hers. She pressed closer, grinding her hips against his, until he kissed her with the urgency that she craved. She trailed her fingers down his chest until they met the edge of the shirt. She gripped it firmly and tugged it away from his body. As she tossed the shirt to the ground, he shifted his lips away from her lips to her neck.

"Derek," she whimpered as he slipped his hands underneath her scrub top and moved them across her back. She wanted him to take it off. She didn't want there to be anything between them. As if reading her mind, he began to peel the cloth away from her skin, up and over her head.

He pulled her against him again and she sighed her approval at the feel of his heated skin against hers. As if moving with one accord, they tumbled backwards until her knees met the edge of the bed and she fell away from him, landing against the sheets. She could feel his gaze on her body as he stood above her. She could feel his hands as he reached down to untie her scrub pants. She tried not to shiver when his fingers brushed her stomach. She heard his own pants join the pile on the floor and then he was right there next to her, his body a welcome and protective weight over hers.

She tried to remember everything he did. These moments were all she had of him. She didn't want to miss anything.

xxx

Meredith watched as his eyes drifted shut. His body relaxed into sleep, but his grip around her didn't. He held her just as close as ever, his body wrapped around hers, her face tucked against his chest. They called it break up sex, but it was just something they called it. He still held her like he loved her with his whole heart and she still let him.

She stayed awake even after she thought he had fallen asleep. "Derek?" she whispered, lifting her hand to his cheek. He stirred slightly but didn't answer. She dropped her hand away from his face. "I miss you," she told him.

**So there it is. The first chapter of my first story. I know it's super angsty, but I promise it will get better. I hope everyone liked it!! **

**PLEASE REVIEW!!**


	2. Natural Blues

Derek opened his eyes in the darkness as Meredith tucked her head back against his chest. He glanced down at the top of her head, wishing he could see her face. _I miss you. _She had said it, hadn't she? He wished he could say it back, but he didn't want to scare her away. He felt as if he had to tiptoe around her, as she were a cornered animal who would bolt at any sudden movement. _I miss you too. _He said it over and over again in his head as she gradually fell asleep in his arms. Then, when he was sure she was fast asleep, he kissed her hair and whispered it out loud: "I miss you too." He hoped she would get the message. Because he did. Miss her, that is. All the time, he missed her. Even when she was in his arms he ached for her. Ached to have all of her. Like he did in the beginning. With a soft sigh, he let his eyes drift shut again.

He dreamed of her. He always dreamed of her. He dreamed that they were walking on his land. He was holding her hand and she was bouncing ahead of him, pulling him along. She was eager to get home to their house. Her golden hair was in waves around her face and she kept glancing at him over her shoulder, urging him along, her smile always there and always bright. He smiled too. They were going home.

When he opened his eyes again, she was gone. His body felt strangely cold without her lying next to him. He sat up on the narrow bed and pulled on his shirt, before standing up and walking back out into the hall.

xxx

Meredith leaned back against the wall of the bathroom stall she had been occupying for the past fifteen minutes. She knew she was going to be late for rounds, but right now, the overwhelming urge to vomit was pretty much taking precedence over everything else. She let out a miserable groan and pressed her forehead into the heel of her hand. "Stupid pregnant hormones," she grumbled, shooting and an accusing glare down at her stomach.

She was contemplating getting up off the floor a few minutes later when she heard the sound of the bathroom door opening. A pair of feet stopped directly outside of her stall.

"Meredith?"

Meredith turned her head in the direction of Christina's voice. "What?"

"Unlock the door."

"I'd rather not."

"Look, I know you're not peeing or anything. I can see you sitting on the floor."

Meredith groaned and lifted herself off the floor just enough to unlock the stall door. Christina immediately pushed it open and looked down at the crumpled form of Meredith. "What's wrong with you?"

"I don't feel good," Meredith moaned, drawing her knees up to her chest and resting her forehead against them.

"Yeah well, you look _radiant_," commented Christina cheekily as she moved further into the stall, sitting down against the opposite wall facing Meredith.

"Shut up," groaned Meredith.

Christina sighed and crossed her legs, leaning back against the cold metal of the wall. "Is this a McDreamy thing?" Meredith shook her head. "Tequila?" Meredith shook her head again. "Then what is it?" Meredith lifted her head away from her knees and looked at her friend miserably. Christina frowned. "You better tell me soon, because I don't want to miss rounds."

Meredith shook her head and looked away from Christina's face. She opened her mouth then closed it again. She didn't know why this should be so hard. Saying it out loud seemed awfully scary and _final_, though. "When you were pregnant, did you ever think twice about getting rid of it?"

Christina's brow furrowed at the question. "No," she said, looking at Meredith with a slightly bewildered expression. "It was a no brainer," she added with a shrug.

Meredith nodded vaguely, thinking of Derek. She pictured his curls on a baby. His blue eyes and smile. Could she get rid of something that was a part of him? "Why do you ask?" Christina said, her eyes narrowing in sudden suspicion.

Meredith shook her head. Her nausea had almost completely subsided, so she pulled herself to her feet. "Forget about it."

xxx

Meredith dropped a chart on the nurses' station and leaned against the counter, flipping open the cover and scanning the words scrawled across the page with detached interest. As she stood there, she noticed a small bowl of candy out of the corner of her eye, left over from Halloween she assumed. For some reason, one Jolly Rancher in particular looked extremely tasty. Something about food cravings echoed in the back of her mind as she grabbed it and unwrapped it, popping it into her mouth.

She almost laughed at herself as the taste of watermelon spread out over her tongue. When was the last time she had eaten a freaking Jolly Rancher? She vaguely remembered a boy named Robby giving her one on Valentine's Day when she was eight. It was appropriately red and cherry flavored.

Shaking her head at the memory, Meredith flipped the chart closed, put it back in its place behind the counter and walked over to the elevator. Meredith pushed the down button and waited, sucking on her Jolly Rancher thoughtfully. When the doors finally opened, Meredith was met with one very familiar blue gaze. He smiled at her as she moved onto the elevator and stood beside him.

"Dr. Grey," he greeted her professionally.

"Dr. Shepherd," she said, trying to sound just as professional, but finding it very hard with a Jolly Rancher in her mouth. Derek seemed to notice and raised his eyebrows inquisitively at her.

"Are you chewing gum?" he asked.

"Jolly Rancher," she said innocently.

His lips parted in a grin. He couldn't help it. "Hmmm," he commented, nodding his head slightly. "Can I see your tongue?"

"What?" she spluttered, his question practically causing her to choke.

He grinned again and she realized how much she missed it. "Can I see your tongue?" he repeated. As she looked at his face and his boyish grin, she suddenly felt as if she could picture exactly what he'd looked like as an eight year old. "Come on, Mer," he said convincingly. "I _really _want to see your tongue."

She laughed at him then, the light sound filling the small confines of the elevator. "_You _are a freak," she said decidedly. He didn't respond, only raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side, flashing his famous McDreamy smile. Damn him. He knew she couldn't resist that look. "Fine," she conceded.

As she stuck out her tongue, he leaned towards her ever so slightly, examining it with same look he examined brain scans. "Pink," he said with a nod of his head. "Watermelon?"

She nodded, a smirk playing on her face. "Freak," she murmured again as the last of the Jolly Rancher dissolved in her mouth. She licked her lips, tasting the sugar lingering there. His eyes were immediately drawn to her mouth and the atmosphere in the elevator suddenly changed very dramatically.

She shifted towards him as he leaned forward until their bodies were barely an inch apart. All she had to do was stand up on her tiptoes and their lips would be touching. She let out a low breath, feeling the heat of his body so close, and he smelled the tangy sweetness of her breath. She knew that kissing him probably wasn't the best idea at the moment, but for some reason, her body didn't seem to be listening to her thoughts. Luckily for her (and her terrible self-control), the elevator doors decided to open at that moment, revealing a very surprised-looking Christina.

They both pulled away from each other and Meredith practically ran off the elevator, grabbing Christina's arm and dragging her down the hallway with her. Christina didn't even try to attempt conversation as they flew down the hallway at a break-neck speed. Finally, Meredith found an empty on call room and hauled Christina inside behind her. "Um, Mer?" Christina asked as Meredith closed the door and pressed her back against it.

"Yeah?" Meredith replied, breathing heavily.

"What are you doing?"

"Hiding," Meredith answered simply.

"From McDreamy," said Christina.

"No, well, yes…" Meredith groaned and ran a hand through her hair. "I don't know."

Christina was quiet for a moment, contemplating her friend. "What's up with you lately?" she asked. "First you're puking in the bathroom and asking questions about my non-existent baby, then I see you practically making out with Shepherd on the elevator and now with the hiding…"

"Christina," Meredith sighed.

"No, Meredith," continued Christina, cutting her off. "This is weird. Even for you. And, as your person, I demand to know what's wrong." Christina finished her speech with a determined nod, looking at Meredith expectantly.

Meredith frowned and bowed her head. "I'm pregnant," she admitted, sliding down the door until she was sitting on the floor, her legs stretched out in front of her.

"Oh," Christina said, for once completely speechless. She looked at Meredith for a second before turning away and walking to the other side of the room. "You are?" she asked, looking back at her over her shoulder.

"I am," Meredith said, suddenly feeling oddly resigned to the situation. _I'm pregnant_, she repeated in her head. _Pregnant._ It wasn't as scary as she thought it would be to say out loud.

"God, Mer," Christina muttered, shaking her head.

Meredith closed her eyes, hating the pity she saw painted on her friend's face. "I'm fine. It's fine, it's…" She shook her head, bumping her the back of her head on the door. "It's fine," she repeated, her voice much quieter this time. Much less convincing—even to her own ears.

"Have you told Derek?" Meredith opened her eyes at the question and scowled at her friend. "Guess not," Christina said quietly. She was silent for a minute and then she asked, "Are you going to keep it?"

"I don't know, I…" Meredith let out an exasperated groan, leaning forward and pressing her fingers to her forehead. "I don't even know how this happened," she said. "It was supposed to be break up sex. Meaningless, break up sex. Totally and completely meaningless…" She trailed off suddenly, falling silent. She remembered the way he said her name, low and reverent like a vow. She remembered the way he looked at her, like he was seeing something that nobody else could see. She remembered the way he held her, his arms pulling her closer even in sleep. "I'm not supposed to love him anymore," she whispered, lifting her teary gaze to Christina's face.

Christina was looking at her sadly, her mouth turned down in a deep frown. "Mer…" she whispered.

"I can't get rid of it," she breathed. "I can't," she repeated, shaking her head. "I can't."

"Okay," Christina said softly, moving closer. "Okay." She sat down beside Meredith and didn't complain when she rested her head against her shoulder.

"You think I'm an idiot, don't you?" Meredith said after a while.

"I always think you're an idiot," Christina said dryly, not missing a beat.

Meredith laughed and lifted her head away from her shoulder. "I mean about keeping it," she specified, wiping the tears out of the corners of her eyes.

Christina smiled slightly, suddenly remembering the conversation she had with Bailey in an airplane on the way to pick up a heart. "You do what you can," she said softly. "When you can, why you can." She glanced at Meredith out of the corner of her eye and saw her nodding her head slowly. "I knew I couldn't do it, but if _you_ know that _you_ can do it…" she trailed off and bowed her head, smiling a small smile. "I don't think you're an idiot."

Meredith smiled back. "Thank you."

**Can I just say that I love the Mer/Christina relationship? And when I say love I mean L-O-V-E. They are totally amazing. I mean, last night? Amazing. I love how put together Mer is now. It's nice to see her all whole and healed, but angst is much more fun to write soooo…Lol. **

**I hope you guys liked the chapter. Thank you so much for the feedback!!!! Reviews are basically awesometastic, so keep it up!!**


	3. I Push You Pull

**So this chapter is loosely based on episode 4x07…at least the first scene.**

"What did you do today?" Derek asked Meredith as they lay on his bed, the rain making a soft pitter-pat sound on his trailer.

"Scrubbed in on a bone graft with your best friend," she replied, smiling slightly as he reached down and slipped his fingers between hers.

He scoffed at her word choice. "Former best friend," he said.

"Fine. Former best friend," she amended. "What did you do today?" she asked.

"Removed a brain tumor from a man's frontal lobe," he told her.

"Impressive," she murmured, staring up into his eyes as he leaned over her. She could feel herself being drawn into him so she let out a sigh, pulling away.

She was halfway out of bed when he suddenly pulled her back, gently pushing her back onto the sheets. "You know," he said softly, pressing a kiss to her lips, "you could stay."

She sighed as he kissed her again. "I think I should go," she mumbled, rolling away from him. "Leave you wanting more and all that."

She smiled a small smile as she stood up and he smiled too, but it didn't reach his eyes. "Okay," he said, almost to himself.

She forced a half-smile onto her lips as she got dressed, but as soon as she turned away and walked outside, she let the tears that had been waiting, perched behind her eyelids, fall. He used to come to her house, to her bed, but she had suggested that they start meeting at his trailer. It was easier for her to walk away than kick him out.

xxx

"My first appointment is tomorrow," Meredith told to Cristina in the locker room the next day.

Cristina turned towards her. "Huh?"

"My first _appointment_," Meredith repeated, motioning towards her stomach. She didn't want to announce to the whole freakin world that she was pregnant with her boss/ex-boyfriend's baby. It wasn't something she was particularly proud of at this point.

"Oh," Cristina said, nodding her head in an overly conspiratorial fashion. "Right. You're first _appointment._"

Meredith rolled her eyes at her friend's mocking. "Shut up. I don't want everyone to know yet."

"I get that, but shouldn't you at least tell Bambie and Barbie soon? I think they're starting to wonder about the morning puking ritual and weird obsession with Jolly Ranchers."

"What? They're good," said Meredith. "Want one?" she asked, pulling one from her pocket.

Cristina rolled her eyes. "You have a secret stash?"

"Well, it's not _that _secret," Meredith reasoned. "I just showed _you_ where I keep 'em." Cristina shot her a glare, making Meredith grin as she popped a cherry Jolly Rancher into her mouth. "I guess I should tell them," she said, reverting back to their original topic. "But you know how Izzie is. She's gonna go all mother hen all over me the minute I tell her."

Cristina nodded knowingly. "Good point. Maybe you should wait."

xxx

Meredith sat at a table in the cafeteria, pushing a half-empty cup of decaf coffee back and forth in front of her. She'd been worrying about her appointment tomorrow all morning, driving Cristina crazy with questions like, "What if it has two heads?" and "What if it has eleven toes?" Before leaving for rounds, Cristina had mumbled something about being covered in mommy, which would have made Meredith laugh if she hadn't felt so lonely.

It wasn't Cristina's fault. It wasn't her job to sit and hold Meredith's hand while she worried herself sick over the possibility that her baby could be a hermaphrodite. That was supposed to be Derek's job. He was supposed to be the one who listened to all of her outlandish anxieties. Who went to the grocery store in the middle of the night because she just had to have chocolate ice cream. Who lay in bed with her thinking of baby names. Who held her while she cried when she didn't even know why she was crying.

The thing was, having a baby didn't make any sense without Derek. She never even wanted to be a mom until she met him. She was the girl who walked around in a terror when her period was two days late. She was the girl who never held the babies at family reunions. She was the girl who mocked other girls for _wanting _babies. But then she met Derek and thought, _Maybe I could do that. Maybe I could do that with him. _With him. That's what it came down to. _With _him. Never without.

Without even thinking about it, she slid one of her hands off the table and pressed it to her stomach gently. She couldn't do this without him. She wanted him. She wanted him with her. But she didn't know how to ask.

xxx

As soon as he walked into the cafeteria, he saw her. She wasn't hard to miss, sitting alone in the middle of the room, her gaze fixed on something far off. He paid for his coffee, moved further into the cafeteria and after a brief moment of doubt, found himself moving in her direction. As he walked closer, he could hear her voice in the back of his mind saying something along the lines of "broken up people don't have coffee together", but his feet kept walking until he was standing in front of her table.

She lifted her head and shifted her gaze to his face. Her expression changed as she looked at him. A longing flashed through her eyes that he didn't recognize. "Can I sit down?" he asked her, half-expecting her to roll her eyes and once again remind him of their strictly S&M relationship.

But instead, she simply nodded her head. "Sure," she murmured.

He sank down in the seat across from her and fiddled with his coffee cup. "Are you okay?" he asked her. He already knew what she would say, but he couldn't help himself.

"I'm fine," she told him, just like always. "Why?"

"No, you just look…" Sad. Heartbroken._ Beautiful._ He shook his head and glanced at the table. "You look like you're thinking about something."

"I've just got some things on my mind," she told him vaguely.

He nodded his head and leaned forward in his seat slightly. "You could tell me," he offered quietly. She gave him a warning look and he leaned back again. "Right. I know. Sex and mockery."

"Sex and mockery," she agreed, tracing her fingers across the tabletop. They were silent for a moment. Each of them took a sip from their coffee cups and set them down again. "You never had kids with Addison."

Derek frowned at the seemingly random statement, but decided to answer anyway. It was better than sex and mockery. "No," he said. "We didn't."

"Because you didn't want any?" Meredith asked, searching his face as if the answer truly mattered to her.

"No," said Derek slowly. "No, I don't think that was it. We just…never did," he said with a shrug. "The thing is…we were barely married the last few years of our marriage," he told her honestly. "We lived in the same house and slept in the same bed, but…we didn't talk anymore, you know? We stopped _seeing_ each other." He shook his head, his mouth set in a straight line. "I think we both knew on some level that we didn't want to bring kids into a world where their parents didn't even know each other anymore."

Meredith nodded her head, feeling unexpected tears welling in her eyes at Derek's words. In a sudden, painful flash of recognition, she realized that the tragedy of her and Derek's story wasn't that they didn't know each other. It was that they did. They _knew _each other. They _saw _each other. And yet he was sitting on the other side of the table, treating her with cautious politeness like she was a stranger and not a girl who loved him to oblivion.

She tried to keep her tears in—she didn't want to cry in front of him—but a couple leaked out of the corners of her eyes and Derek of course noticed. "Meredith?" he said, his voice full of questioning.

She blinked, trying to force the wetness from her eyes. "Yeah?" she whispered, but even that one sound hitched in the middle.

"Mer…" he murmured, his voice suddenly much softer. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head and looked down at her hands. She didn't want to say anything more. The overwhelming depth of her sadness was like a wave, rising higher and higher. She knew that if she talked, the wave would crash and she would be swept off her feet.

She felt the pressure of his hand on her arm before she realized her had even gotten up from his seat. "Come here," he murmured, pulling her gently to her feet. She followed him without protest as he lead her away from the cafeteria and into an on call room.

She walked in ahead of him and stood facing the opposite wall. He turned the lock and stood against the closed door. The muscles in her back were taught. She was holding herself together with every last bit of self-control she had. He wished he knew why. He took a step closer. "Meredith," he said. Her neck arched forward as she bowed her head towards the ground. "Can you look at me?" he murmured.

She didn't turn right away. For a moment, he thought she might just stand with her back to him until he went away. But then she turned around. She lifted her gaze to his face and the sadness he saw in her eyes made his chest ache. "Mer," he pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper, "tell me what's wrong."

"Derek," she said shaking her head. "I just can't…I can't. I can't…" She repeated it over and over, her voice slowly fading and when she finally fell silent, the tears that she had been holding back for so long finally fell, streaming uninhibited down her cheeks. He couldn't stand to see her cry. He took a step forward and reached for her. She resisted at first, her arms crossed over her chest, but when he gently gripped her wrists and pulled them apart, she gave in. All at once, her muscles relaxed, and for one horrible second, she stood in front of him, a limp shell of Meredith, barely standing. But then he wrapped his arms around her and she fell into him, her tears making dark spots on his shirt.

He stood holding her for a long time, absentmindedly running his hands up and down on her back, his lips pressed to her hair. She only stopped crying when she fell asleep, her deep exhaustion getting the better of her. With a small smile down at her sleeping face, he lifted her in his arms and carried her across the room to the narrow bed. He gently set her down on top of the sheets and tucked the covers around her, before climbing in behind her and pulling her back against his chest.

xxx

He dreamed of her. He always dreamed of her. He dreamed that he was fishing, waded up to his waist in a slow moving river. She was behind him, lying on the shore in the sun. He didn't have to turn around and check. He knew she was there. He heard a sudden splash and turned to find her swimming towards him. She was scaring away all the fish, but he didn't care because she was coming to him. She reached him and he wrapped his arms around her so that the current wouldn't carry her away. He kissed her. "Caught you," he whispered against her lips.

He woke up to the sound of a pager and the sudden chill that always followed when Meredith slipped from his arms. "Meredith?" he mumbled, his voice thick with sleep. She was sitting on the edge of the bed, squinting at her pager. He was just reaching a hand towards her when she stood up abruptly, pulling her hair back into a messy ponytail.

"911," she told him without turning around. "I have to go."

"Wait," he said, suddenly alert. He leapt up from the bed and stopped her before she could slip out of the door.

"What, Derek?" she asked, her voice quiet.

"I just…" She turned and lifted her gaze to his. "I just think we should talk," he said softly.

She hesitated for a moment, her gaze locked on his. As the seconds ticked by, he waited for her to pull away and with each extra second that she didn't, he felt his heart lift a little. He didn't move—he barely breathed—for fear of breaking the spell. But then she glanced at the ground and turned the handle on the door. "I don't have time," she whispered before disappearing around the corner and leaving him in the dark.

**I know it's probably driving some of you crazy that Mer hasn't told him yet. And I'm sorry about that. But like I said before, angst is fun to write. And let's face it: it's a lot more fun to read too. Stressful and frustrating, but definitely fun. **

**So I hope you liked it!!! REVIEW!!!!**__


	4. Wish You Were Here

**Just so you know, this chapter is really sad. I broke my own heart a little writing it. **

"What did you do today?" Derek asked Meredith as they lay on his bed. Their bodies were intertwined easily. She was very warm and very beautiful beside him, her hair rumpled, her cheeks glowing.

"Sutured until my fingers went numb," she said.

"Fun," he commented.

She offered him a lazy smile. "What did _you _do today?"

"Clipped an aneurysm," he told her.

She nodded. He knew she would leave soon. He wished he could think of a way to make her stay. He tightened his grip around her waist as if he could make her stay through sheer will power. She smiled a small smile as he gazed down at her and opened her mouth as if to say something, but closed it again with a slight shake of her head. "I guess I should go," she murmured inevitably.

He nodded sadly as she slipped away from him. She got dressed slower than usual, pausing a couple of times to glance over at him. She always looked like she wanted to say something, but each time she would simply drop his gaze with a shake of her head.

Once she was dressed she walked over to the door. She paused one last time, her fingers resting lightly on the handle, but then she pushed open the door and was gone.

xxx

Meredith found Cristina in the tunnel, lounging on a gurney with a pile of post-op notes at her feet. Meredith walked over and plopped down beside her. "My appointment's in an hour," she announced.

"Hmmm," Cristina murmured with barely contrived interest as she scanned the chart in her hand.

"Do you think everything'll be okay?"

"Yes," Cristina answered immediately.

"Do you think they'll be able to find the heartbeat?"

"Yes." Cristina didn't even bother looking over at Meredith as she answered. They'd been down this list at least twenty times already.

"What if it as twelve fingers?"

"It won't."

"Do you think I should tell Derek?"

At that, Cristina paused, lifting her pen away from the chart and glancing over at Meredith. She was quiet for a long time. "Do you want to tell him?"

Meredith bowed her head and fixed her gaze on her hands. "Sometimes."

"He deserves to know, Mer," Cristina said softly. Meredith appreciated the gentleness that had found its way into her friend's voice. "It's his kid too."

Meredith nodded. "It's just…What if he's mad?" she whispered. "What if he leaves? What if I have to do this alone?"

"Meredith…" Cristina said, a sigh in her voice. Meredith lifted her gaze to hers, her eyebrows raised. "Have you seen the way he looks at you?" Cristina shook her head. "It's nauseating," she said with a slightly disgusted roll of the eyes.

"I guess," Meredith mumbled, but as Cristina returned her attention to her post-op notes, her mind drifted to a rainy not too long ago.

She remembered it as the last night when they had been truly happy together. She remembered looking into his eyes as he straightened the collar of her jacket and feeling happy. She remembered thinking that his eyes were very blue. She remembered thinking that she could love him someday. She remembered thinking that maybe she already did. She had been happy. They had rules and she was happy. He had blue eyes and he was a man that she could fall in love with.

And then, just like that, it was over. He went from being the man that made her happy to the man that broke her.

_Hi, I'm Addison Shepherd. And you must be the woman who's been screwing my husband. _

That's all it took. Two sentences. And her world was turned upside down. She had put her heart in his hands and it had gotten ripped to shreds. And no matter what, no matter how many times he promised forever, he would always be the man that broke her. No matter what, there was always the fear that he would leave. That she would fall and he wouldn't catch her.

xxx

Meredith sat in the waiting room of the OBGYN wing at Mercy West. She was flipping through a magazine without really seeing the words. She wanted Derek. She was surrounded by pregnant women who had husbands to hold their hand. She wanted that too. She wanted Derek. _Derek, Derek, Derek—_

"Meredith Grey?"

Meredith lifted her head at the sound of her name. A nurse was waiting for her across the room so she got up and followed her as she led her into an exam room. The nurse said the doctor would be here soon. Meredith nodded her thanks and wished that her hands had something to hold. She wanted Derek.

"Meredith Grey?"

Meredith looked up at the doctor who had just walked in. He smiled. His face was kind. Any other day, she would've thought he was cute. Any other day, she would've been happy to meet a good-looking man who smiled at her and had a kind face. But today, she wanted Derek. But he wasn't here. She was alone.

"I'm Dr. Hanson," he offered, extending his hand.

Meredith walked closer so she could shake it. "Meredith," she said and tried to smile, although she felt like she had forgotten how. She wanted Derek.

"What can I do for you today, Meredith?" Dr. Hanson said.

"Well, it seems I'm pregnant," said Meredith, sticking her hands into her pockets and dropping her gaze to the floor.

"Congratulations," Dr. Hanson said. Meredith looked up at that. She knew she should've expected it. Most women wanted to be congratulated. _Women who had someone to hold their hand_. She tried to keep her face from giving anything away, but he must have noticed something—some falter in her smile or flash in her eyes—because he frowned. "Is something wrong?"

"No," Meredith said automatically. "I'm fine." She realized with a certain amount of relief that he would believe her. He wouldn't be able to read the lie in her face like Derek could've. _Derek. _How she wished her were here.

"Okay," he said with a hesitant smile. "Why don't you hop on the table and we can take a look?"

Meredith nodded and got onto the table. She leaned back and looked at the ceiling. Her hand fell limp beside her. How she wished he were there to hold it. "This might be a little cold," Dr. Hanson said. She nodded. She knew. She felt the jelly hit her skin. She felt as he moved the wand across her stomach. She waited for the heartbeat. She felt her fear rise when it didn't come right away.

But then it was there. And it was perfect. She squeezed her eyes shut and focused on the loud swooshing sound as it filled the room. "Congratulations," Dr. Hanson said, this time much more quietly.

"Thank you," said Meredith and she meant it. But still, when she opened her eyes, he wasn't there.

xxx

"What did you do today?" he asked her as they lay in his bed that night.

Her smile faltered as the gazed up at him. _Listened to our baby's heartbeat. _She shook her head. "Nothing." He frowned at the sadness in her face. "What did you do today?" she asked, her voice so soft he barely heard her.

"Nothing," he said. She was quiet as she looked into his eyes. She hoped their baby's eyes would be like his. "It's getting late," he murmured. "Shouldn't you be going?"

He was giving her an out. He was telling her it was okay, he understood. But for some reason, that familiar urge to flee was gone and she was left with an odd, empty weariness. "I think I'll just lie here for awhile," she whispered.

"Okay," he whispered right back.

She shifted closer and he kissed her and pulled her close. She pressed her face into his chest and let him wrap his arms around her like she was a little girl. "Good night, Mer," he breathed into her hair.

"Good night."

**Sorry this chapter was a little shorter, but I felt like that was a good place to end. I'll try to update again this weekend!! Please review!!!!**


	5. The Heart of the Matter

**Sorry it took me a little longer to update this time. This chapter was really tricky to write and it took me a while to figure out exactly **_**how **_**I was going to do it. It's a lot less angsty, though, so I hope you enjoy it!**

Meredith stood on the bridge connecting the two surgical wings, leaning heavily on the railing, feeling more tired than she had in a long time. She let her eyes fall shut as she let out a long, drawn out breath and bowed her head towards the ground.

"Hey."

At the sound of the low and familiar voice, Meredith lifted her head. "Hey," she murmured, straightening up and turning to face him.

Derek smiled, but as he took in her face, it fell into a frown. She looked exhausted. Not normal, doctor exhausted, but bone-deep, barely-standing exhausted. "You okay?' he mumbled, furrowing his brow.

"I'm fine," she said automatically.

He took in her glassy eyes and pale face. He shook his head slightly. "No you're not."

She considered getting angry, storming off, or simply denying it, but she just couldn't summon the energy to lie to him. "I just haven't been sleeping very much lately," she said. It wasn't the whole truth but it wasn't a lie either.

He nodded and was silent for a minute. "Okay," he said simply and she knew he wasn't completely convinced. They stood looking at each other for a minute, neither of them speaking. He was waiting for her to tell him the truth, but she couldn't bring herself to utter the words. When he finally spoke his voice sounded hollow and defeated. "I was actually looking for you to see if you wanted to assist on this case that just came in."

"Oh yeah?" she murmured.

He nodded and began rattling off the details of the case. "A 37-year-old man came in an hour ago complaining of numbness in his toes. He is now paralyzed up to his waist. I was thinking that since you scrubbed in on a similar case with me before…"

Meredith had been nodding along with Derek when his voice suddenly faded. The exhaustion that had been plaguing her all day swelled into something that threatened to swallow her up. Her surroundings blurred into white and his voice sounded very far away. She struggled to focus on his face as a wave of dizziness washed over her.

"Meredith? Meredith?" His urgent voice penetrated her haze. His concerned face hovered in her line of vision. She reached a hand towards him and he took it. His grip was firm. It pulled her away from the blackness that was threatening to drag her away.

"I think I need to lie down," she mumbled, leaning into him.

"Okay," he said immediately. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and led her towards an on call room. He pushed open the door and guided her to the bed.

She sat down on the edge of the sheets and he kneeled in front of her. He didn't let go of her hands. He folded them inside his own. "Feel better?" he asked, his voice soft and comforting.

She nodded and offered a small smile. "A little."

Instinctively, he reached up and brushed the hair out of her face. It was a habit that he lapsed into whenever they were alone. "You should get some sleep," he told her. "You look exhausted."

She shook her head weakly. "I have too much work. Patients to check up on, charts to update…"

"I'll take care of it," he said.

"But your surgery…" she protested.

"The resident can handle it."

Meredith glanced at the pillow at the end of the bed. It looked so soft and inviting. "You're sure?" she asked.

He smiled and nodded. "I'm sure. Go to sleep," he ordered. She nodded and glanced down at her lap. He stood up but didn't move towards the door right away. After a brief moment of hesitation, he bent over again, pressing his lips to her forehead. "I'll come check on you in a little while."

She lifted her head towards him. She knew that any other day she would've pushed him away already, but her exhaustion had stripped her bear. Her defenses were gone and all she wanted was a friend. "Okay," she agreed.

He smiled and moved towards the door. "Okay," he whispered, almost to himself.

xxx

A couple hours later, Derek returned to the on call room and pushed open the door. He half expected to find her gone, but as his eyes adjusted to the dim light, he saw her figure huddled under the covers, her hand tucked under her cheek. He walked across the room and knelt beside the bed so that he was level with her sleeping face. He reached out and brushed away a strand of hair that had fallen over her eyes.

At his touch, she stirred and opened her eyes. "Hey," she whispered.

"Hey," he said.

"You came back."

"I told you I would."

"Hmmm," she hummed, still half-asleep. "I'm glad."

He smiled as her eyelids drifted shut again. "I should let you get back to sleep," he murmured, but as he moved to stand, he felt her hand on his arm stopping him.

"Stay," she said.

He stopped. He turned back towards her. "What?" he asked.

She shrugged suddenly becoming much more alert at his hesitation. "I mean, if you want to…"

"I do," he said quickly before she could take it back.

"Okay," she said. She scooted over on the bed to make room for him and he sank down beside her. She moved into him as he wrapped his arms around her, drawing her against his body. She sighed softly, her head tucked under his chin, and slowly fell back into a deep sleep.

xxx

When Meredith woke up, he was still there. He smiled as she opened her eyes. His face was so familiar and so beautiful in the shadows. She suddenly had the odd sensation that they had traveled back in time. Sometimes she wished they could. "You watching me sleep?" she asked, a smile slowly spreading across her features.

"Maybe," he murmured.

"What are you? Some kind of freak who watches women sleep?"

He grinned in the darkness. "Maybe."

She smiled and shifted closer to him, pressing her face into his chest. He ran his hand up her side, tracing the gentle curve of her hip. His fingers found their way into the loose waves of her hair. He was touching her the way he used to. It wasn't desperate or rushed. It was the touch of a lover but also of a friend. "Hey, Derek?" she asked, her voice muffled in his shirt.

"Yeah?" he said, absently curling a strand of her hair around his finger.

She squeezed her eyes shut for a split second before lifting her face to meet his gaze. He looked at her expectantly, his brow furrowed, his lips slightly parted. "Friends, right?"

His face softened. Sometimes, she could be as innocent as a little girl. He gave a little nod of his head. "Friends."

She smiled softly, but it quickly faded into a frown. She glanced away from his face. "I have to tell you something," she whispered.

"Okay," he said.

She drew in a shuttering breath. Her seemingly ever-present tears were perched just behind her eyelids, threatening to fall. "Mer?" whispered Derek, his voice questioning.

She swung her gaze back to his face. His bright blue eyes were wide with concern for her and as she looked into them, she suddenly felt very, very safe. He wouldn't leave her. He was her friend. With every bit of courage she had left, she forced herself to say it. She whispered the words like they were a secret. "Derek, I'm pregnant."

As she said it, she looked away from him again. She'd rather be looking at the faded pink wallpaper than his face in case his eyes were full of anger, or worse, disappointment. But within seconds, she felt the pressure of his fingers on her chin, guiding her gaze back to his. "You're pregnant?" he breathed and his voice was filled only with awe, not anger.

She swallowed and nodded. "Yes."

The expression on his face was one of wonder. He dragged his gaze over every inch of her face as if seeing it in a new light. When he met her eyes again, he was smiling. "You're having my baby?" he whispered.

"Yes," she said and her voice shook.

"Mer?" he said as he watched her eyes fill with tears. "Mer, what is it?"

She only shook her head as the tears spilled over and down her cheeks. He felt tears prick the corners of his own eyes as he watched her cry, her whole body trembling in his arms. He felt helpless, unsure of how to comfort her. He reached down and took her hand. He pressed it against his chest and covered it with his own. "Shhh," he murmured. "It's okay. You're okay. Just breathe.

She nodded and gulped down a couple of breaths. "I'm sorry," she chocked out, bowing her head so that he couldn't see her face.

"Sorry?' he said, furrowing his brow in confusion. "Why are you sorry?"

She shook her head again and lifted her teary face to his. "Because we're broken up. Because you shouldn't have to take care of me anymore."

He pulled her closer. "But I want to," he said desperately. "I want to take care of you."

He felt her body stiffen at his words. She stilled in his arms, her gaze locked on his face. The urge to run was as familiar as an old friend. It would be so easy to break out of his grasp and walk away. "Derek, I…" She trailed off and shook her head. She felt so uncertain.

His face was earnest as she watched her. He could feel her doubt and fear, caught between them like a wall. Never breaking his gaze away from her face, he squeezed the hand that was caught against his chest and guided it down between them, pressing it against her stomach.

As she felt the pressure of their joined hands over the spot where their baby lay, her eyes filled with tears again. She shifted closer to him and he immediately wrapped his arms around her, drawing her against him. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. "I promise."

**So she told him. Finally. It was really hard for her, but she did it. And Derek was of course totally happy and caring and basically perfect. So that's that. The drama isn't over, but this was definitely a huge step in the right direction.**

**Anyway, I hope ya'll liked it! I'm on summer break now (thank GOD) so I'll be able to update more often without silly things like term papers and exams taking up all my time. **

**Please REVIEW!!! **


	6. Let's Be Friends

Time passed for Meredith in the strangest way as she lay in his arms. A little forward, a little back. She didn't know how long they had been in locked away in this little room. It could've been a year or ten minutes and she wouldn't have known the difference. "Derek?" she whispered into the darkness.

His arms tightened around her. "Yeah?" His face was so close that his breath stirred a strand of hair on her cheek.

"You're still here," she said. Her voice sounded doubtful—she half expected this to be a dream.

"Yes," he said faithfully. She really hoped she wasn't dreaming. She wanted this to be real so badly.

He shifted closer and brushed his lips against her forehead. She made a little sound of contentment in the back of her throat and rested her head against his chest. He moved his hand over her shoulder blades and downward, lifting her shirt slightly and running his fingers across her bare back. He traced the curve of her hip and the dip of her back before resting his hand on her stomach.

She smiled, feeling safer than she had in a long time. She would be happy if she never had to leave the safe harbor of his arms. But soon the familiar beeping of a pager pulled her back to reality. He sighed and pulled away from her slightly, reaching into the pocket of his lab coat. He peered at the small screen and then back at her face. "911," he said softly. "I have to go."

"Okay," she said. He didn't look like he wanted to go anywhere.

"We should talk," he said as he stood up.

She nodded. "We should."

"Can I come over later? To your house?" He was hesitant. He didn't want to scare her away again, but she was in strange mood. She wasn't so scared anymore.

"Sure," she said quietly. He smiled and moved towards the door but her voice stopped him as he was reaching for the handle. "Derek?"

He turned back towards her. "Yeah?"

"Could you bring some Jolly Ranchers?"

xxx

It was late by the time Derek was able to leave the hospital. He had just gotten out of a ten-hour surgery and was tired to say the least, but as her house came into view, his exhaustion fell away. _Meredith was pregnant._ He turned off his car and got out. _Meredith was going to have his baby. _A smile was tugging at the corners of his lips as he walked up to the door and knocked, a bag of Jolly Ranchers in hand.

Izzie answered the door. He wished it was Meredith. He didn't want to wait anymore. He wanted to see her. The woman who was going to have his baby. "Dr. Shepherd," Izzie said when she opened the door. Her surprise was painted all over her face. It had been a long time since he had knocked on this door.

"Dr. Stevens," he said, taking a few steps inside. "Is Meredith here?"

"Um, yeah," Izzie said. She was looking at the bag of Jolly Ranchers, her eyebrows raised. "I think she's upstairs in her room. I could go get her…"

"No," he said quickly, already moving towards the stairs. "That's okay. I'll go."

Izzie shrugged and frowned at the same time. "Okay."

He practically ran up the stairs in his haste to see her. He walked to her door and pushed it open. She was sound asleep, huddled under the covers. He knew how exhausted she must be. He walked across the room and squatted beside her bed. As he looked at her sleeping face, he felt an overwhelming tenderness towards her swell in his chest. It was a feeling he hadn't let himself feel in a while. It had been a long time since she had let him take care of her.

"Mer," he murmured. He leaned forward and kissed her forehead. "Mer."

She opened her eyes and focused on his face. "Hey."

"Hey," he said, smiling at her.

"What time is it?" she asked, lifting herself into a sitting position.

"Around ten," he told her.

She nodded and rubbed her eyes with the back of her hand. "God," she said around a yawn. "I'm exhausted."

He nodded and smiled at the way she rested her hand on her stomach. "I could come back later…"

"No," she said softly. "We should talk."

He nodded, relieved. The last thing he wanted to do was leave. She disentangled herself from her covers and stood up. She led the way out the door, down the stairs and into the living room. She sat down on the couch and he sat down in the armchair across from her. It felt oddly formal, but maybe that was best.

"You brought me Jolly Ranchers," she said, eyeing the bag that was still clutched in his hand.

"I did," he said, grinning. He tossed them across the small space and she caught them easily.

"Food craving, I guess," she said as she tore open the bag and pulled a blue one out, unwrapping it and popping it in her mouth.

Her mouth puckered at the sourness and he smiled. "So," he began quietly.

"So," she echoed.

"Is everything…okay?" he asked.

"You mean with the baby?" He nodded. "Yes," she said. "Everything's fine." He nodded again and a look flashed through his eyes that was almost desperate. She realized he wanted to know more. "I heard the heartbeat," she offered.

"You did?"

"Yeah," she said, her voice much softer. "It was…" She closed her eyes for a second, remembering exactly how it sounded. "It was perfect," she said finally, opening her eyes and smiling at him.

He smiled back. "I wish I had been there."

She nodded knowingly. "You would've been if I had told you."

"Why didn't you?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I was scared," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. He looked deeply troubled at that. She held his gaze for a second and then dropped it abruptly, grabbing another Jolly Rancher out of the bag. The crinkle of the plastic wrapper sounded very loud in the silence.

"Are _you_ okay?"

She looked up. "What do you mean?"

He smiled a sad smile. "You were all alone."

"I was okay," she said faintly.

"I know, but…" He shook his head, wishing he could explain. He kept thinking about the day that his mother found out she was having his little sister Anna. As soon as his dad got home from work she had flown into his arms and told him right there in the foyer. She was so happy that she couldn't even wait until he took off his jacket and sat down for dinner to tell him. "I wish you had told me sooner," he said finally. _I wish you had _wanted _to tell me sooner._

"We were broken up, Derek," she reminded him softly.

He sighed and sank back against the cushions of his chair. The corners of his mouth quivered downward. "I know."

She leaned back as well, pulling her legs up underneath her. She considered him carefully, sucking on her Jolly Rancher. "So. What now?"

He furrowed his brow at her. "What do you mean?"

She lifted her shoulders almost to her ears and then dropped them again. "What do we do now?"

He let out a long sigh and leaned forward, resting his elbows against his knees. "I don't know." The joy he had felt only minutes before was considerably dulled. He always wanted to have kids with Meredith, but this was never how he pictured it. They were supposed to be together and happy when it happened. But now they were so scattered. She was sitting across the room from him, less than ten feet away, and yet she seemed so far away.

"It's supposed to be different, isn't it?" she whispered.

He lifted his gaze from the floor to her face and nodded. "Yeah," he agreed, "it is."

They were both silent for a minute. She grabbed another Jolly Rancher and tossed it into her mouth. She narrowed her eyes slightly in thought. "Maybe we could…" she began, but trailed off and glanced down at her hands.

"What?" he asked softly.

She looked up at him. "Maybe we could be friends," she suggested. Her voice sounded very small and very hesitant.

"Friends," he said. He raised his eyebrows, considering the notion. "We could be friends."

She nodded. "We could." He grinned, warming up to the idea. She smiled too, but then abruptly leapt up from the couch. He stood up too, looking slightly alarmed.

"What is it? Are you okay?" he asked.

"I just remembered something," she said. She went into the foyer and pulled something out of the pocket of her jacket, before walking back into the living room and standing in front of him. "I got this the other day at the doctor's office," she explained.

He took the small picture she offered him. It didn't take him long to figure out what it was a picture of. "Is this…our baby?" he breathed.

"It is," she said.

He traced the dark circle that was her uterus and then the smaller, grayish spot that was their baby. "Wow," he whispered in wonder. He lifted his gaze back to her eyes. She was smiling, but he could see the exhaustion in her face. "You tired?" he asked quietly.

Her smile softened. "Yeah," she told him honestly. "I am."

"I'll let you get some sleep," he said.

She nodded and together they moved into the foyer. They paused by the door and he turned back towards her. "Here," he said, holding out the sonogram towards her.

"No," she said. "You keep it."

He smiled and tucked the picture into his pocket. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said, her voice faint. She took a hesitant step towards to him and he reached out, slipping his arm around her waist and pulling her close. She relaxed in his arms, resting her head against his chest. He pressed his lips into her hair and breathed in the familiar smell of lavender.

"So I'll see you tomorrow?" he whispered, locking his hands behind her back.

She lifted her head and looked into his face. "Tomorrow," she agreed, resting her hands palm-out against his chest.

He leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. When he pulled away, she frowned slightly, tilting her head up at him. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Can we be friends who don't see other people?" she asked.

The idea of dating another woman was ridiculous to him. Meredith was the only one he wanted, but he nodded anyway. "Okay," he told her.

She smiled and took a reluctant step away from him. "Tomorrow," she said.

"Tomorrow," he promised.

**Aw! I love them. Please REVIEW!!! **


	7. A Beginning

Meredith couldn't sleep. She kept thinking about pointless things like what color they would paint the nursery, or what brand of stroller they would buy, or whether they would get a cheap, plastic crib or a really nice, wooden one. Plus, there was the presence of that _they _in every one of these thoughts. She knew that for the sake of her heart, she shouldn't let herself hope. But no matter how many times she tried to force her thoughts into the singular that _they _always popped up again.

Without really thinking about it, she grabbed her cell phone from her nightstand and hit speed dial one. She had set that when they first started dating and never changed it. She told herself it was because she was too lazy, but she knew it was really because she liked the idea of him being just a click away. He answered on the first ring. "Hi," she said, feeling slightly sheepish as she glanced at her clock and realized how late (or early) it was.

"Hey," he said, sounding suspiciously alert.

"Did I wake you up?" she asked.

"No," he replied. He was quiet for a moment. She could hear him breathing. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, of course," she said quietly. "I just…couldn't sleep."

He sighed. "Me neither," he admitted.

"You wanna know what I was thinking?"

She could almost hear him smiling. "Always."

"I was thinking about what color the nursery should be," she said, purposely skipping over the pronoun.

He was silent for a while and she knew it was because he was thinking. She loved that he was taking this so seriously. "I think we should paint it yellow."

_We. _He had said it. The corners of her mouth turned upward into an uncontrollable grin. "Why yellow?" she asked.

"Because it's gender neutral," he explained. "And pretty," he added.

She giggled. "Did you seriously just say 'pretty'?" she asked.

"Don't judge," he said and she could picture his pretend-offended face. "You know it's true."

"Yellow's too happy," she complained letting the dark and twisty in her do the talking.

"Fine," he conceded, "how about blue?"

"What if it's a girl?"

"Girls can like blue."

"Well then maybe we should paint it pink," she suggested.

He paused. "What if it's a boy?"

She laughed. "Hypocrite."

"Okay, fine." he said. "How about white?"

"Too sterile. How about black?"

"Too dark and twisty. How about green?"

"Reminds me of vegetables."

He laughed. "That's a bad thing?"

"I don't like vegetables."

"I see," said Derek. "Well, you'll make an excellent role model for our kid."

"Well, you eat Muesli every day so we'll balance each other out."

He chuckled in what sounded like agreement and she tried not to think about the fact that they were talking about a future that didn't even exist yet. It was easy enough to joke about it over the phone, but she knew that when it came down to it, any discussion about the future triggered her fight-or-flight response. Especially the flight part.

"How about orange?" he continued.

"Like the color of road signs?"

"No, like the color of a sunrise," he said.

"Hmmm," she sighed. "I could go for that." She glanced outside and realized that the sun was rising just outside her own window. She could see the first hint of light over the horizon. _I know a place where you can watch the sun rise over the ferryboats. _Her smile fell away. He was silent on the other end of the line. _I have a thing for ferryboats. _"Derek, I…I have to go."

"Wait," he said and against her better judgment, she did. "Will you meet me somewhere?"

"Derek…"

"We can drink coffee and watch the sun rise," he said. "In the spirit of friendship," he added quickly before she could say no.

She sighed. She was silent for a long time. _I have a thing for ferryboats. _A bottle of wine and a sunrise later, he had pulled her close and kissed her mouth. _I have a thing for you _was a whisper into her lips. 

"Mer?"

She sighed again. "Okay," she said.

xxx

She was waiting for him on the dock. Derek was standing at the front of the boat so he saw her right away. At first, she was just a speck in the distance, a blur of a person, but as he got closer, his breath caught in his throat. She was _so _beautiful with her golden hair and pink lips turned into a half smile. She was beautiful. And she was waiting for _him_.

As soon as the ferryboat docked, he jogged down the ramp and went over to her. He felt like grabbing her and kissing her, but after taking one look at her face and guarded stance, the feeling passed and he settled for a simple smile. She smiled back, at least. "You came," he said.

She nodded and shrugged as if this fact was as mundane as the weather. "What's that?" she asked, tilting her head towards the bottle he had forgotten he was holding.

He grinned. "Sparkling grape juice," he said, brandishing the bottle as if it were a priceless bottle of the finest wine.

She giggled at that. "I thought you were bringing coffee."

"I was in a festive mood," he told her and she shook her head. "Shall we sit?" he asked, looking towards a bench a few feet away.

She nodded and they sat down next to each other, carefully putting at least two feet between each other. She trailed her fingers across the weathered wooden planks. Was this the bench they had sat on all those years ago? _I have a thing for you._ She wondered if he remembered too. She glanced over at him, but he was busy opening up the bottle. He finally managed to unscrew the cap, but then his face fell. "I forgot glasses," he said, feeling slightly deflated that his plan had fallen flat.

But to his surprise, she just shrugged, grabbed the bottle and took a swig. He grinned as she handed him the bottle, but grimaced when he took a drink. "Wow. That's terrible."

"Well, that's what you get when you spend four dollars and ninety nine cents on a bottle of sparkling grape juice," she said, tapping the price sticker still plastered to the label.

He quickly peeled it off. "You weren't supposed to see that."

She laughed and turned her gaze out over the water. It felt surreal, being here again. This was the water she drowned in. This was the water he pulled her out of. That was the dock where she fell. That was the dock where he tried to breathe for her. And this bench…was this the same bench?

She remembered sitting on that bench as clearly as she remembered drowning. _I have a thing for you_. He had said so many things, promised so many things. On a bench just like this one, during a sunrise just like this one.

Beside her, Derek sighed a wistful sigh. She wondered where his thoughts went in this place. A gust of wind blew over the water and she shivered slightly. Within seconds, she felt his arm slip around her waist. He scooted her closer until she was pressed up against his side. She leaned into him and he turned his lips into her hair. Anyone looking would've thought they were lovers, not friends. But no one was looking, so she let him hold her.

xxx

"Friends? Seriously?"

"Shut up," said Meredith, shooting her friend a glare across the table they were occupying in the cafeteria.

Cristina shook her head and tossed a potato chip into her mouth. "I just don't buy it."

"What? You don't think we can do it?" Meredith asked, pulling a green Jolly Rancher out of the pocket of her lab coat.

"No," Cristina said bluntly. Meredith scowled; Cristina sighed. "Meredith, the last time you two were _friends, _you ended up having sex in an exam room at prom."

"That was different."

"How?"

Meredith sucked on her Jolly Rancher, a thoughtful look on her face. "Well, there was the wife. And the vet. And…" She sighed. "It was just different."

"Good answer," commented Cristina.

Meredith opened her mouth to say something, but it fell shut when she saw Derek walking into the cafeteria. As if sensing her gaze on him, he turned towards her, a smile playing on his lips. Even with twenty feet between them and dozens of chattering nurses, his eyes drew her in until she forgot where she was. She couldn't look away even if she wanted to and she didn't really want to. The blue of his eyes seemed to darken as he watched her until it was almost indigo and she felt an exulted little shiver run down her spine. He was looking at her like he wanted to rip the clothes off her body and hold her in his arms all at the same time. It made her woozy.

She suddenly realized he was walking towards her, weaving his way through the tables, his eyes never leaving her face. She swallowed hard and folded her hands in her lap so he wouldn't see that they were trembling. "Hi," he said, stopping beside her chair.

Out of the corner of her eye, Meredith could see Cristina looking from her to Derek and back to her. She pulled herself back to reality long enough to answer. "Hi," she managed.

"How are you?" he asked. His voice was low and intimate, as if they were alone in the dark of an on call room and not the bright light of a cafeteria.

"I'm…good," she said softly.

He smiled. His gaze dipped from her eyes to her lips and back to her eyes. "I'm glad." They were silent for a minute and she could feel her body gravitating towards him. "So," he murmured, "I'll see you later?"

"Yeah," she said. "I'll see you later."

He nodded and backed away from her, before turning around and walking outside. Meredith inhaled a shaky breath and turned her attention back to Cristina who was eyeing her with a slightly amused expression. "So," she said, "you and Derek are friends?"

Meredith blinked and shook her head. "What?" she asked, trying to remember what they had been talking about. "Oh. Right. Yes. Just friends."

"Uh-huh."

**So. Yeah. This chapter was really surreal to write, because they're trying to be **_**just friends**_**, but they also love each other deeply so writing them as simply friends felt almost insincere… **

**Anyway…Hope you enjoyed! PLEASE REVIEW!**


	8. Heartbeats

Meredith was sitting in the cafeteria when someone dropped a tray across the table from her. She looked up, expecting to see Cristina, but found Derek instead. "What are you doing?" she asked politely.

"Friends," he explained as he sat down, "have lunch together."

"I see," she said, picking up a French fry and popping it into her mouth.

He narrowed his eyes in disapproval. "You shouldn't be eating that," he said airily.

She frowned. "What's wrong with French fries?"

"_They_ are unhealthy," he explained. "Here," he continued, picking up a salad off his tray. "Eat this." He stretched his arm across the table and offered her the salad.

She glared at it. "I don't want salad."

"But it's good for the baby," he said reasonably, plopping the container down in the center of her tray.

"But the _baby_ wants French fries," she said.

"The _baby _doesn't know what's good for it." He flashed her his most winning smile. "Just like its mother."

She scowled and pushed the salad away. "You know what? You can take your stupid salad and go sit in a corner all alone."

"Mer…"

"Don't 'Mer' me, you stupid brain surgeon with your stupid perfect hair and stupid perfect smile and stupid healthy salad," she grumbled, crossing her arms across her chest and letting out a huff.

"Mer," he said again, clearly amused by her ramble. She glared at him.

"Seriously, Derek. You have to be nice to me."

He leaned forward across the table. He dropped his voice to an intimate whisper. "Why on _earth_, would I have to do that?" he asked.

She smiled and leaned towards him until their noses were almost touching. "Because if you're not, I won't be friends with you anymore." She leaned away from him, smiling triumphantly, and popped another French fry into her mouth.

He grinned. "Fine. How 'bout I make it up to you?"

She narrowed her eyes. "How?"

"By cooking you dinner at my trailer tonight," he said.

She frowned, her expression thoughtful. "You can cook me dinner, but you have to do it at _my _house," she compromised.

"Why?"

_Because I don't trust myself to be alone with you._ She shrugged so he wouldn't sense the lie when it came. "Because I'm pregnant and lazy and don't feel like tramping through the middle of nowhere tonight," she said easily.

He smiled and shrugged. "Okay, your place it is."

xxx

"Why exactly am I here?" Cristina asked from her place on the couch.

"Because you're my best friend in the _whole world_," Meredith said cheekily.

Cristina scoffed. "Don't even try that. Sentimental does _not _look good on you."

Meredith sighed and plopped down on the cushions next to her friend. "Derek is coming over and…I don't want to be alone with him."

"What?" Cristina asked. "Since when do you not want to be alone with McDreamy?"

"Since my pregnancy hormones kicked in and all I can think about is jumping him whenever he gets within five feet of me," Meredith admitted, her tone slightly sheepish.

"So you need a chaperone?"

Meredith made a face. "That sounds weird."

Cristina shrugged and stood up. "Either way, I'm gonna need some alcohol."

Meredith laughed. "You won't make a very good chaperone if you're hammered," she pointed out as Cristina headed for the liquor cabinet.

"A whole night of McDreamy requires being drunk," Cristina said, pulling out a bottle of scotch and examining it. "But don't worry," she added. "I won't let you shove your tongue down his throat."

"Thank you," Meredith said, grinning.

"Hey," Cristina said as she uncapped the bottle in her hand. "What are friends for?"

xxx

Cristina was just finishing her first glass of scotch when she heard the doorbell. She stood up, already feeling a little buzzed, and opened the door. "Howdy," she said, raising her glass in greeting to a confused-looking Derek.

"Hi," he replied, looking a little worried.

Cristina smiled and turned away, leaving the door open. "McDreamy's here!" she announced.

Within seconds, Meredith appeared, smiling at him. "Hey," she said.

"Hey," he murmured, his voice coming out a little breathy like it always did when he was happy to see her. He took a few steps inside and then paused. He shuffled his feet and she knew that he was fighting the urge to come closer. The silence stretched out as they stood looking at each other. She glanced away first, dipping her head towards the ground.

"Do you need any help with dinner?" she asked quietly.

He shook his head. "Not really," he told her, "but I would like some company."

She looked back up at him. "I can do that."

He began to make his way towards the kitchen, but paused as he passed the living room. "Is she okay?" he asked, motioning to Cristina, sprawled out on the couch, scotch glass in hand.

"She'll be fine," Meredith said, waving her off.

Derek only shrugged and followed Meredith the rest of the way into the kitchen where he immediately made his way behind the counter and got to work. He began pulling things from their respective drawers. A pan from the cabinet above the toaster, a spoon from the drawer next to sink. He moved around the kitchen with the ease of someone who had made many a meal there.

Meredith sat down at the kitchen table and simply watched him as he grabbed an onion out of the fridge, chopped it and threw it into a pan. He added some olive oil and then turned on the burner. "Where'd you learn to cook?" she asked him curiously, realizing he had never told her.

He glanced from the pan to her eyes and back to the pan. "My mom," he told her. "She taught me a new recipe almost every day. I used to sit and do my homework at the kitchen table while she made dinner."

Meredith thought of the countless take-out meals she had eaten in front of the TV while her mother was at work. The leftover Chinese food. The cold pizza. "That must've been nice," she said, sounding unintentionally sad.

He nodded slowly. "It was." She smiled and dropped her gaze to the worn tabletop beneath her fingers. She traced the lines and nicks acquired from years of use.

"Meredith."

She looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"Can you grab the rosemary for me?"

Meredith looked up to find Derek staring directly at her, a soft, comforting smile playing on his lips. "Sure," she said, standing up.

She began to make her way towards him, but as she walked around the corner, she stumbled and fell forward. His response was immediate. He reached for her as she began to fall. He slipped his arm around her waist and drew her towards him, catching her against his chest.

At first she clung to him out of necessity, so that she wouldn't fall. But as the seconds ticked by and she regained her balance, neither of them pulled away. His other arm made its way around her waist so that he was simply holding her, not holding her up. She let a long breath and trailed her hands from his shoulders, down to his chest.

"You okay?" he asked, his voice a low murmur that rumbled in his chest.

"I'm…" She trailed off, distracted by the feeling of his body against hers. It was such a lovely, familiar feeling. "I'm…fine," she breathed, not meeting his eyes.

He began to lean towards her and felt her body tense. "Meredith…" His voice was a whisper of barely concealed desire.

"We can't, Derek," she breathed, her face turned down, away from him. "I can't…" She trailed off and sucked in a breath that hitched in the middle. She was so tired of herself. She was so tired of always being afraid. She wished she could be better. She _wanted _to be better so badly. If only for him. If only for their baby.

She started to pull away from him, but he tightened his grip around her, keeping her as close as ever. She felt his lips on her hair and forehead and each of her closed eyelids. For once, she let herself relax into him. For once, she let him support her.

**Sorry it's been so long since my last update. I've been struggling with this chapter for a while now. I hope you all liked it, even thought I know it's intensely frustrating. Believe me, it was just as frustrating to write. You have no idea how tempting it was just to have them make-out in that last scene. Lol. But, alas, it's simply not the right time yet…**

**Please review!!**


	9. Be Here Now

**So it's been, um, a while since my last update, but I swear I **_**have **_**been writing. A lot, actually. I wrote about twenty-five different versions of this exact chapter before finally deciding on this one. Seriously. Oh, and I even wrote a **_**future **_**chapter as well. As in, a chapter that doesn't do me or any of my (hopefully) loyal fans any good whatsoever. But anywho, at least I was trying and that's what counts, right? **_**(RIGHT!) **_

**So, without further ado, here is the chapter! **

Meredith was just finishing up the dishes when she heard the doorbell ring. It was late, around one o'clock and she was more than ready to go to bed. Derek had left about an hour ago. They had enjoyed their dinner while Cristina lay passed out on the couch in the next room, an empty bottle of scotch tucked under her arm like a teddy bear.

Now Meredith turned away from the sink and walked outside into the foyer. She opened the door and there, standing on her porch, was Derek. He looked tired and weary and heartbroken—not at all like the Derek who had walked out her door less than an hour ago. "Are you okay?" she asked.

He was quiet for a long time as if he didn't understand the question and when he did speak, his voice was flat, disbelieving. "My sister, Anna, is in a coma."

She nodded and didn't say anything, because there wasn't anything she could say that would help. Instead, she simply reached for his hand, pulled him inside and led him upstairs to her bedroom. She closed the door and turned to face him. He was standing in the middle of the room, looking dejected and disoriented. She eased the coat off his shoulders and let it drop, forgotten, to the floor. She took his hand and led him over to her bed.

"Sleep," she instructed him, pushing him to the bed gently.

And so he did.

xxx

Derek dreamed of her. He always dreamed of her. He dreamed that she was running through a field and he was running after her, chasing her. Sometimes she would stop and he would get within reach, but she would always slip away from him. Always stay just out of reach. He could hear her footsteps somewhere. _Derek._ Her laughter echoing around him. _Derek. _He closed his eyes. He was crying and he didn't know why. _Derek. _She was so close. He could hear her voice. _Derek. Derek. _

"Derek."

He opened his eyes and the field melted away around him, but her voice didn't. "Meredith," he mumbled. Instinctively, he reached for her. He rested his fingers against her cheek. She wasn't a dream. She was right there with him. "What's wrong?" he asked and then he remembered and the tears he had dreamed were suddenly real and wet on his cheeks.

"You were calling out to me in your sleep," she told him softly.

"You were so far away," he said.

He felt her fingers on his face, wiping away the tears. "It was just a dream," she said.

"I'm scared," he admitted and his voice was one she had never heard before. It was trembling and sad.

"I'm right here," she assured him. She leaned forward and kissed his forehead. _Right here. _She kissed each of his closed eyelids. She kissed his cheek and felt the wetness of her tears and the scratch of his stubble.

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him until he felt the solid assurance of her body along the length of his. Her lips were everywhere, kissing away his grief. He was suddenly desperate for her. He wanted to be sure of her. He didn't want her to disappear like his sister.

She was wearing a too-big collared shirt and he began unbuttoning it. She felt his fingers move down the line of buttons until they were all undone and the fabric was falling away from her and she was naked in his arms. He held her hips and kissed her jaw, her neck, her collarbone. He shifted down her body and kissed the soft skin of her stomach and then pressed his cheek to the spot he had kissed. He rested there for a minute, but then her hands were on his face, guiding him back towards her. She looked him in the eye; her face was earnest.

"Kiss me," she said.

And so he did. 

xxx

When Derek opened his eyes the next morning, he found that he was staring into the bright green eyes of an already-awake Meredith. At first he was confused, and then, abruptly, he remembered. He remembered his mother's wretched voice, crackling, broken, reaching over thousands of miles. He remembered standing on Meredith's porch. He remembered her bedroom. He remembered dreaming. He remembered her lips, everywhere, all at once. He remembered her body, sliding along his, fitting against him perfectly like it always had. He remembered falling asleep with her in his arms, torn between joy and undeniable sorrow.

Meredith watched him silently, as all these emotions settled across his face. He closed his eyes against the sadness and wrapped his arms around her, drawing her against his chest. "I guess I need to go to her," he whispered into her hair.

She tucked her face against his chest. She felt strangely protective of him. "I want to go with you."

He glanced down at her, trying not to look too surprised. "Really?"

She turned her face towards his and lifted a hand to his cheek. "You're my friend," she said softly, as if that explained everything. It did, in a way.

He smiled. "Okay." He kissed her forehead and her lips. Somewhere, in a bed on the other side of the country, his sister was sleeping, but right here, right now, Meredith was in his arms and that was enough to make him believe everything would be okay.

xxx

Derek was quiet on the plain. He sat completely still, his gaze focused on some far off thing and she knew he was a million miles away, thinking of his sister. Halfway through the flight, she reached for his hand and he took it. He held it tightly, as if it was the one thing grounding him to reality. When they were an hour out of the airport he finally turned to her.

"Thank you," he told her softly. "Thank you for coming with me."

"You're welcome," she returned, giving his hand a squeeze. He nodded absentmindedly, his eyes already clouding over again. She frowned as she watched the grief resettle across his face. "Derek," she murmured. "Derek, look at me." He turned his gaze to meet hers. His face was imploring. He was begging her for reassurance that she had no right to give. But she gave it anyway. "She is going to be _fine_," she said with as much assuredness as she could muster, wishing it didn't feel like a lie on her lips.

xxx

They went straight from the airport to the hospital, knowing that there wouldn't be anyone at home. Anna's room was filled with people. Meredith recognized Nancy quickly and was able to pick out Derek's other two sisters from pictures she had seen. She figured out who Mrs. Shepherd was pretty fast, not only because Derek went straight to her as soon as they walked into the room, but also because of her expression. Meredith saw that expression hundreds of times a day. It was the expression that passed like a shadow across the faces of loved ones when she told them their friend or wife or sister was gone.

As soon as Mrs. Shepherd saw her son, her eyes welled with tears. She stood up from her chair and he quickly crossed the room. "Oh, Derek," she breathed as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Hi, Mom," he said, trying to hold back his own tears. "How is she?" he asked when he pulled away.

"The same," she told him, her tone defeated.

He glanced towards the bed automatically and immediately wished he hadn't. His sister looked tiny, bundled in blankets on the hospital bed, dwarfed by the machines surrounding her. There was a mechanical beeping where her heartbeat should've been and so many wires and then he couldn't see her anymore and Nancy's arms were around him. "Hey, bro," she whispered into his ear.

"Hey," he chocked out. He didn't want to look at the bed anymore. He wanted to see Meredith. Where was Meredith? He turned his head towards the doorway and found her still standing there, hovering half in and half out. When he looked her way, she smiled and he managed to smile back. He was glad she was here.

Then Nancy was gone and Susan took her place and after her it was Kathleen and when she pulled away they all turned towards Meredith, eyebrows raised with muted curiosity. "This is Meredith," he said, crossing the room to stand beside her. "Meredith, this is my mom, my sister Susan, my sister Kathleen and you remember Nancy."

"Of course," Meredith said, plastering a smile on her face. "It's so nice to finally meet everybody."

Susan smiled, Kathleen only offered a quick nod and Nancy seemed to ignore her very existence. Mrs. Shepherd, on the other hand, stood up from her chair and walked over to Meredith, extending her hand. "It's so nice to meet you, Meredith," she said, offering a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "Thank you so much for coming and supporting Derek."

Meredith half-smiled, thrown off by the older woman's unexpected kindness. "Oh, that's…I'm…well…" Meredith closed her mouth, effectively halting her stumbling speech. After a deep breath, she managed a warm smile. "Thank you," she said with as much sincerity as she could muster.

Mrs. Shepherd smiled again and for a moment, her eyes were bright, but then she turned away from Meredith, towards the hospital bed where her little girl lay and her face immediately darkened. Derek was by her side again in an instant. "Mom, how long have you been here?" he asked. His tone was gentle and brimming with worry.

"Oh, a couple of days," his mother replied dismissively, waving away his concern.

Derek sighed. "Why don't you go home and take a shower and get some sleep," he suggested.

Mrs. Shepherd shook her head at her son. "No," she said firmly, "I'm staying right here."

"Mom," Derek implored, turning to his sisters for support. Susan, who seemed to be the oldest, stepped forward.

"Mom, I think Derek's right. Anna will be fine for a few hours and I think we could all use some sleep."

Mrs. Shepherd still looked doubtful. "I don't know," she mumbled, her eyes trained on the still form of her daughter.

"I really think it's a good idea," Nancy added reluctantly after Derek directed a withering death glare in her direction.

"And I'll stay here with Derek," Meredith added, finally stepping away from the doorway and into the room. Derek smiled at her and she smiled back, fighting the urge to go closer. "Someone has to make sure he eats something," she mumbled, throwing a sidelong glance at Derek that was almost mischievous.

Mrs. Shepherd finally wrenched her eyes away from the hospital bed long enough to regard the younger woman. Her posture was stiff, but her eyes, currently trained on Derek's face, were relaxed, shining with a mixture of affection and concern. There was something about her face, however, a tiredness that wasn't born from spending six hours in a plain. The look was oddly familiar to the older woman, a mother of five, and as she glanced down at Meredith's arms, which were loosely crossed over her stomach, she suddenly realized why that look was so familiar, but before she could ask any questions, she felt Derek's hand on her arm, gently ushering her out of the room.

She allowed herself to be led out into the hallway, but there she stopped, refusing to go any further. "Derek," she said, her face serious, "you have to call me if anything happens. And I mean _anything._"

Derek smiled, his expression softening immeasurably. "Mom," he murmured, "of course."

Mrs. Shepherd still looked skeptical. "You promise?" she asked, drawing in a shuddering breath.

"I promise," Derek said, leaning forward and planting a quick kiss on his mother's forehead. "Now go," he commanded quietly. "All of you," he said looking pointedly at his sisters. "Get some rest."

He remained in the hallway long enough to watch his family disappear around the corner before turning and walking back into the room. He slowly made his way over to the bed and looked down at his sister. He tried to picture the person he knew. The girl who stole his coveted Clash albums and the woman who came out to the woods when he left his wife and helped him move into his trailer. He reached out and brushed a stray strand of hair off her forehead, feeling tears pricking his eyes. He kept his gaze trained on her still face for as long as he could and when he couldn't anymore he turned away.

Meredith, who had been standing a few feet away, quickly closed the space between them and wrapped her arms around him, pressing her face against his chest and closing her eyes. It wasn't long until she felt his arms make their way around her, his hands tracing the familiar path from her hips to the small of her back. "I'm sorry, Derek," she whispered.

She felt his heartbeat against her cheek, heard his ragged breath. "Me too."

**I LOVE REVIEWS! (Even though I probably don't deserve any after taking, like, a billion years to write a 6-page chapter.) BUT I STILL LOVE THEM!**


	10. Let Love In

**Sorry for the wait. Again. School is awful and exhausting and I hate it. But hopefully this chapter will make up for the wait. It's basically just pure MerDer/McBaby fluff. Couldn't help myself. Enjoy! **

At 6:12, Derek sat down in the chair beside Anna's bed. At 6:15, he picked up her hand and held it. At 7:03, Meredith went and got food from the cafeteria that neither of them ate. At 7:46, Derek fell asleep, his head resting on the mattress beside Anna's shoulder. At 8:07, Meredith glanced at Anna's chart. _Car crash_, it said in that messy doctor's scrawl that was so familiar to her. _Blunt force trauma to the head_. At 8:30, torn between worry and exhaustion, Meredith fell into a fitful sleep and dreamt that Derek was the one in the coma and she sat beside his bed, holding his hand, waiting for him to wake up. She waited for years and years until her hair turned gray and her bones were so riddled with arthritis that she couldn't get up, even if she wanted to. At 9:52, Derek woke up.

He looked over to where Meredith slept, curled up in a chair. He stood and walked across the room, crouching down in front of her. His lips turned up in a soft smile as he took in her sleeping face. He reached up and brushed the hair out of her eyes with one hand and rested the other on her stomach. She began to stir under his touch and he leaned towards her, brushing his lips against her forehead. As she opened her eyes she smiled sleepily at him and suddenly his breath was catching in his throat because she was looking at him the way she used to. Her gaze was so bright and beautiful and _open. _"Hey," she mumbled. She automatically lifted her hand to her stomach, but when she felt his hand already resting there she paused. For a moment he was scared that that fleeting openness would leave her eyes, but instead she simply laid her hand on top of his and lifted her gaze to his face.

He smiled. "Hey," he whispered back.

They both lapsed into silence after that, their gazes fixed on each other's faces, their hands resting gently on her stomach. He wanted to remember this look on her face. It had been so long since he'd seen it last. But then, suddenly, she wasn't looking at him anymore. She dropped her gaze to the floor and lifted her hand from her stomach and he was so disappointed that it took him a second to realize why. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything." _Oh. _

Derek stood up abruptly and turned towards his mother who was hovering in the doorway, looking decidedly uncomfortable. "Mom," he said awkwardly. "Is everything…okay?"

"I couldn't sleep," she said, moving further into the room.

"Oh," he said. He glanced at Meredith who was practically hiding behind him, her expression a mixture of guilt and embarrassment.

"You two should go home and get some rest," his mother said. She walked over to the bed and reached out, brushing the hair out of Anna's eyes. "I'll stay with her."

Derek didn't really want to leave. But he was also tired and liked the idea of getting Meredith into a real bed where she could get some decent sleep. Even so, he hesitated. "Are you sure? We could stay…"

"No," she said quietly, firmly. "It's okay. You go."

xxx

Derek's mom insisted that they take her car and minutes into the drive home Meredith was asleep. She woke up to feeling of floating on air and realized that Derek was carrying her. She felt weightless in his arms and let herself drift off again as he pushed open the front door of a big white house and made his way up a flight of stairs. When she opened her eyes again, she was sitting on the edge of a bed. Derek was kneeling in front of her, pulling off her shoes. "Where are we?" she mumbled, leaning into him.

"Home," he replied.

Meredith smiled and chose not to overanalyze the warm feeling that spread through her body at his response. Instead she simply lay back against the pillows and let her eyes drift shut into sleep.

xxx

In the middle of the night, Meredith woke up and promptly realized that the other side of the bed was empty. She sat up, rubbed her eyes, wondered for a minute where Derek was, then got up to go to the bathroom. She stepped into the hallway and that's when she heard the music. It was soft, the rise and fall of a woman's voice drifting up the staircase and for some reason, Meredith immediately knew she would find Derek downstairs, listening.

She made her way down the staircase, walked down a long hallway, her socked feet almost silent against the hardwood floor, and rounded a corner, entering a spacious room where she found him.

He was sitting alone, slumped against the cushions of a big red couch, looking decidedly disheveled and sad. She noted with concern the half empty bottle of scotch sitting on the table beside him and the glass he held loosely in his hand. She paused in the doorway and he didn't seem to notice her presence. He remained almost eerily still, his gaze fixed on the CD player across the room. A few minutes passed before she stepped into the room, announcing her presence during a lull in the music.

"Hey," she said softly, coming to stand in front of him.

"Hey," he whispered, tilting his head up at her. His face was pale, his eyes glassy. The usually trim scruff along his jaw was longer and his hair was unkempt and messy.

She frowned slightly and lifted a hand to his face. He closed his eyes for a moment. Leaned into her touch. Took a deep breath. When he looked up at her again, some of emptiness was gone from his expression. "You should be asleep," he told her.

She smiled. "You should be too."

He only sighed at that and put down his glass before sitting up and reaching for her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and drew her closer, pressing his face into the warmth of her stomach. Smiling sadly down at the top of his head, she reached up and ran her fingers through his messy curls. She didn't say anything or ask anything for a long time and he was grateful. "How are you holding up?" he finally asked, his voice muffled in her shirt.

Meredith sighed, shaking her head as if he was hopeless. "That's supposed to be my line," she said.

"You're pregnant," he said, pressing a brief kiss to her stomach. "With my baby. I have a right to now if you're okay."

Meredith sighed again, but answered anyway. "I'm fine," she told him. "We're fine." He lifted his face and peered at her. His eyes were doubtful. "Really," she promised. He nodded, placated and she smiled down at him. "How are _you_?" she asked. He shook his head slightly and released her, leaning back against the cushions. She followed him down with a knowing smile, straddling his lap and resting her hands against his chest.

He shook his head again, the corners of lips turning up in a smirk. "What are you doing?" he inquired as his arms found their way around her waist.

Meredith grinned and bent close to him. "Being supportive," she replied, her voice a breath against his lips.

"I appreciate it," he mumbled, distracted by the way she felt in his arms, the heady scent of lavender that filled the air around them.

"You still haven't answered my question," she said, her breathing turning ragged as his hands found the bare skin of her back.

"What question?" he asked, kissing his way up her neck.

"How…" she trailed off, her breath hitching as he rounded his lips against her jaw. "…are you?"

"Mmmm," he hummed, his breath tickling her neck. "Much better now that you're on top of me."

"Glad I could help," she mumbled, bowing her head to kiss him.

He groaned a very quiet groan and she parted her lips. Ran her hands up his chest. Slipped them into his shirt. Felt the heat of his skin against her fingers. She raised herself up on her knees and pulled his shirt over his head. He tilted his head up at her, his eyes shining as she hovered over him. His hands found their way to the snap on her jeans and the music faded away and then it was just them and he was with her and he was alive.

xxx

Meredith got up early and made her way downstairs, leaving Derek asleep in the bedroom. After a couple of wrong turns, she found the kitchen and made a beeline for the fridge in search of something that would silence her grumbling stomach. She settled on toast, the only thing she had ever been able to cook without hurting herself and took a seat at the kitchen table with a glass of orange juice.

She took a bite and, as she ate, tried not to think about what had happened last night. But of course, the more she tried to make her thoughts shut up, the more they seemed to ramble. She honestly didn't know what she had been thinking. If she could choose the one thing she thought would never happen on this trip, it would be having sex with Derek in his mom's living room on his mom's big red couch. She had no idea what had come over her. One minute he was being unbelievably adorable, kissing her stomach and worrying about their baby and the next she had him pinned against those red cushions.

She had been able to maintain their "friendship" for the past couple of weeks by following one simple rule: do not, under any circumstances, have sex with Derek. And in the last twenty-four hours, she had broken that rule twice. She told herself it was the hormones or Derek's irresistible puppy-dog face or some combination of the two, but deep down, she knew she was just using those reasons as excuses so that as soon as her feelings got to be too much to handle, she could put up that wall again.

Before she could work herself up into too much of a frenzy, though, her thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of Nancy. She barely even glanced at Meredith as she shuffled into the kitchen and went straight for the coffee machine. Silence filled the room as Nancy got out the coffee and began scooping giant spoonfuls into the filter. Meredith was just getting lost in her thoughts again when Nancy spoke two words: "Want some?"

It was barely anything, not even a complete sentence, but Meredith took it as an olive branch. "Sure," she said. "Thank you." But then, almost immediately, she realized she couldn't drink coffee and had to back peddle. "Actually, you know what, I um… I'm trying to go off caffeine, so I'll pass."

Nancy paused mid-scoop, and for a second Meredith thought she might actually press the issue, but then she simply shrugged. "Whatever," she mumbled, shuffling back out of the room as the coffee began to brew.

Meredith sighed, happy her secret her was still a secret, and stood, carrying her dishes over to the sink. She was just turning on the water to wash them off when she heard footsteps behind her. She turned to find Derek standing in the doorway. He was smiling, but still seemed oddly tired even after a full night's sleep. "Morning," she greeted him, smiling back.

"Morning," he returned. He made his way towards her, but before he could get close enough for a kiss she turned back to the sink, suddenly intent on scrubbing her plate clean.

"How'd you sleep?" she asked him.

"Very well, thank you," he said and she could almost hear the smirk in his voice.

"I'm glad," she said levelly, her back still turned to him.

Behind her, Derek smiled, knowing she was trying to push him away and suddenly not caring. He took another step towards her until there was barely an inch of space between their bodies and placed his hands on either side of her on the edge of the counter. For a long time, she didn't do anything. She stopped scrubbing the plate, but didn't turn to face him. The smell of him was all around and she could feel the warmth of his body. Finally, slowly, she turned around. "Derek," she murmured, her eyes cast downward, her voice so soft and hesitant and lovely.

"Meredith, just stop. Stop trying to push me away." He reached out and placed a finger under her chin, lifting her face towards him. "I'm here," he told her, his voice low and fervent. "I want you. Forever."

Before she could say anything, he leaned forward and pressed his lips against hers. Wrapped his arms around her waist and drew her body up against his. She hesitated, for only a moment, and then, all at once, she gave in. He felt her body relax in his arms, melting against him. Her lips were so soft and so sweet and so Meredith. He felt her hands against his chest, gripping his shirt in those tiny, ineffectual fists and he knew that he loved her. He just prayed she would let him.

**Okay so that was really fluffy. Hope you guys liked it as much as you liked the angst.**

**But. That being said. The fluff is going to be pretty short lived. It will come back, eventually, though. Like in the epilogue. Lol. Yeah. Sorry 'bout that. Anyway…**

**PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!**


	11. Love Song Requiem

**Sorry for the wait. This one's a bit longer, so don't be too mad. Lol.**

They kissed for a long time, standing there beside the sink, and for a long time, that was all they needed. She pressed herself close to him, leaving damp spots on his shirt as she trailed her soapy hands up his chest to loop around his neck. He kissed her slowly, softly, mindful of the stubble that lined his jaw—rougher now, after a couple days of neglect. She didn't seem to mind the whiskers, though; she parted her lips, letting out a soft moan as she felt his tongue against hers. He smiled when he heard the familiar little whimper—part desire, part contentment and absolutely, unmistakably,Meredith. He felt a faint tightening in his chest when he realized how long it had been since he'd heard that sound. That sound that meant _I feel safe with you_ and _I want you_ all at once.

Before he could dwell on it, though, they were interrupted by footsteps hurrying down the hallway. They pulled apart just as Susan rounded the corner, looking worried. Meredith turned back to the dishes as Derek stepped forward, transforming once again into the caring brother. "What's wrong?" he asked immediately, stealing a glance at Meredith who was trying extremely hard not to look flustered, but he could see the way her hands trembled slightly as she picked up a plate to wash.

"Mom's home," Susan said, pulling his attention away from Meredith again. "She doesn't look good."

"Where is she?" Derek asked.

"She said she wanted to be alone."

"Where are Nancy and Kath?"

"In the living room."

Derek nodded and turned back towards Meredith. She felt his hand on the curve of her waist, warm and reassuring, and glanced over her shoulder at him. "I'm going to go talk to my sisters," he told her. "Will you be okay?"

"I think I'll manage," she said, resisting the urge to roll her eyes.

He grinned at her and turned, following Susan out into the hallway.

xxx

While he talked with his sisters, Meredith finished the dishes and stepped outside onto the porch where she found Mrs. Shepherd sitting in a chair overlooking the lawn. At the sound of Meredith's footsteps on the wooden deck, she turned and offered a small, trembling smile that didn't reach her eyes. "Hello, Meredith," she said, her voice faint.

"Hi," Meredith returned softly. She took a couple steps forward. "Would you… like some company?"

"That would be nice."

Meredith smiled and sat down in the chair beside hers. Mrs. Shepherd turned her eyes back out over the lawn and Meredith followed her gaze. "It's beautiful out here," she breathed, trailing her eyes along the trees at the edge of the property and out over the distant horizon.

"It is," Mrs. Shepherd said simply.

Meredith turned away from the mountains and looked at the woman sitting next to her. This woman whose child was lying in a coma. This woman who could somehow still see the beauty in the world. "I'm sorry," she whispered, feeling overcome with a sudden sadness for the older woman. "I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine…" She trailed off, lifting a hand to her stomach instinctively.

Mrs. Shepherd sighed softly, knowingly. "You'll be able to soon. When your child is born."

Meredith glanced up in surprise to find Mrs. Shepherd regarding her carefully. "How did you…?"

Mrs. Shepherd smiled a distant smile. "I wasn't sure at first. But you do have that drawn look. And then there's that," she said, dropping her gaze meaningfully to the hand Meredith was resting on her stomach. "I did that too."

"Yeah, I um…" Meredith trailed off and smiled, her gaze fixed on something in the distance. "I don't even think about it anymore."

Mrs. Shepherd nodded and turned her eyes back towards the horizon. "Derek is happy, you know."

Meredith stared at the older woman in wonder. "How can you tell?" _How can you see through all that grief?_

Mrs. Shepherd turned back towards Meredith, a smile playing on her lips. This time, thinking of her son, it reached her eyes. "He never lets you out of his sight. And the way he looks at you…" She sighed and it was a wistful, almost mournful sound. "I remember that look. It was the way my husband looked at me when I was pregnant. Like I was his whole world."

Meredith nodded, feeling tears prick the corners of her eyes. "He is happy. He's very, very happy." She was quiet for a minute, thinking of him. When she spoke, her voice was quiet. "I think I'm going to go find him."

Mrs. Shepherd nodded knowingly as Meredith got to her feet. "I understand."

Meredith offered one last smile before walking back inside and making her way into the living room. She found Derek sitting on the couch, a weary look on his face. "Hey," she said quietly from the doorway.

At the sound of her voice he looked up and smiled. "Hey," he said.

"How are you?" she asked, walking over and sitting beside him on the couch.

"You know," he said. He glanced over at her. "Sad. Tired."

She nodded and leaned into him, resting her head against his shoulder. Within seconds she felt the familiar feel of his arm around her waist, his hand wrapping around to rest on her stomach. "You're mom knows I'm pregnant," she told him.

"How?" he asked.

Meredith shrugged. "She guessed. Apparently we're not very subtle."

He smiled and pulled her closer, suddenly needing to be sure of her, here in his arms. He didn't want her to disappear like his sister. He didn't ever want to live without her. He kissed the side of her head and drew in a shuddering breath. "She hasn't gotten any better."

She lifted her head and looked into his broken face. "No change?"

He shook his head. "No change."

"I'm sorry, Derek."

He nodded. "Me too."

xxx

Derek went back to the hospital that afternoon and Meredith insisted on going with him even when he insisted that she didn't need to. He took his usual spot by the bed while she sat down in a chair along the wall.

Sometime in early evening, Meredith dozed off and when she awoke it was to Derek's voice. Still half-asleep, his words seemed almost like an extension of a dream. He was talking about the baby. In a soft, hushed tone, he was describing a future—_their _future—filled with baseball games and school recitals and camping trips. At first, a sleepy smile graced her lips, but as this theoretical future stretched on, as he talked about college graduations and grandchildren, a sense of dread began to creep up on her until she felt trapped.

She opened her eyes and looked at Derek. He was talking to Anna, a faint smile gracing his lips as he confessed that he really wanted a girl. A little girl that _looked like Meredith_. Meredith fought back tears as she got up and made her way towards the door. "You okay?"

She turned in the doorway to look at him and forced her lips to smile. "Just going to the bathroom."

He smiled back and nodded, but just as she was turning away, she heard him gasp behind her. She turned back to see him leaning over the bed, his face alight with hope. "Anna?" he whispered.

His sister's eyes flickered, then opened, focusing on him. "Derek," she whispered, her voice raw.

He smiled, his eyes shining with tears. "Welcome back."

xxx

Within twenty minutes the room was swarmed with Shepherds, big and small. Meredith excused herself, told Derek she was going back to the house to rest, and called a taxi. When she arrived at the house, however, she didn't sleep. She couldn't. Instead, she went out to the porch, gazed out the horizon and let her mind wander.

xxx

It was well into the evening by the time Derek returned to the house. He found Meredith on the porch, leaning against the railing, her head bowed towards her hands. "Hey," he said softly, walking over to stand beside her.

She offered a half-smile as she turned to face him. "Hey."

She wouldn't meet his eyes. He knew something was wrong but he didn't want to think about it. Anna was awake. She was awake and he was happy. "Thank you for coming here, with me," he said, his voice soft. He took a step closer, but she shifted away from him. Something was wrong.

"That's what friends are for, right?" she murmured, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Right," he said with a sigh. "And girlfriends," he added. He wasn't going to let her do this. He wasn't going to let her push him away again.

She shot him a look. "Right, but…"

"But what? You're not my girlfriend? Is that what you were going to say?" he asked. He knew he was being an ass, but he didn't care. _I was happy,_ he thought desperately_._

"Yes, actually," she spat right back at him.

"So what will it be this time? Just friends? Or sex and mockery?"

She took a step away from him. "What is the matter with you?" she said, her voice rising.

"What's the matter with me?" he yelled. "What's the matter with _me_? What's the matter with _you_, Meredith? Why can't you just let yourself be happy? Why can't you go for more than five minutes without freaking out?"

"I'm not freaking out." Her voice was much softer, her expression wounded. He knew he had hurt her, but he couldn't seem to stop.

"Right. You're not freaking out. You're just running away. Again."

"No, I'm not running away. Can't you see? I'm here aren't I?" She was calling his bluff and he was going to call hers right back.

"No you're not!" he cried, his voice pained. "You've put up so many walls I feel like I can't even touch you!" He shook his head, letting out a ragged sigh, and turned away "I don't know what to do anymore, Meredith. I…" He trailed off and turned back towards her. "There's nothing left," he whispered, lifting his shoulders in a hopeless shrug.

She nodded. She knew. She didn't have much left either. "I'm scared," she admitted. "You scare me."

"Why?" he asked. His face was imploring and sad and suddenly, she hated herself. He had been happy only moments before and she had taken that away from him.

"Because you love me," she replied.

It was such a simple explanation and it broke his heart. Especially since he knew it was true. "Meredith," he said, a sigh in his voice. "I'm sorry."

She smiled and took a step closer to him. "I know you are. I'm sorry too."

He nodded and reached for her, pulling her body into his. "I'll wait," he breathed, his voice a whisper in her ear. "I'll wait for you."

She sighed and leaned into him, tucking her head under his chin, her arms curled under her. "I can't ask you to do that."

"You're not asking," he said. "I'm telling you. I don't want anyone else."

"Okay," she murmured. She wanted to be better. For him. For their baby.

She heard him let out a long breath and felt his chest rise again as he breathed in, his face in her hair. He ran his hands upwards from her waist, along her sides and down over her back. She let herself relax against him. Shut her eyes and fell into his familiar touch. He kissed her hair and her forehead. She lifted her head from his chest and he kissed her nose and each of her closed eyelids. He shifted one of his hands from her back to her stomach and she opened her eyes, meeting his gaze. "You won't keep me from her."

"Derek, never," she said fervently. She felt the firm pressure of his hand against her stomach and suddenly wanted him. She leaned towards him and felt his hand slide back to her waist, drawing her hips into his. She tilted her head up as he bent his down and suddenly his lips were on hers, so soft and so familiar. She ran her hands up his sides and across his chest, itching for the feel of his bare skin against her fingers. He reached up and caught her hands in his, drawing his lips away from hers. She let out a little whimper of protest, but he only smiled, lifting her hands to his lips and pressing a kiss to her knuckles.

"Come here," he murmured, leading her inside and up the stairs to his bedroom. They undressed each other slowly, one piece of clothing after another, and then he led her to the bed, pulling her down on top of him. She stretched her slender body along his, closing her eyes at the sensation, and felt his strong arms make their way around her, always holding, always comforting.

He kissed her lips and rolled them over, pinning her underneath him. "I love you," he said and she let him say it. She smiled and closed her eyes as he slipped inside her, touching her in all the ways that made her come undone. _I love you too, _she silently vowed. She opened her eyes and looked at his beautiful, kind face hovering above her. _Sometimes I wish I didn't._

**Tick, tick, BOOM! You know what I mean? But don't worry. Though the shit has hit the fan, it will be cleaned up properly and efficiently in the next few chapters. Because, well, Meredith and Derek belong together. And who am I, a lowly fanfiction writer, to get in the way of fate?**

**Oh and I'm on break now, so hopefully I'll get another chapter posted soon. *****Crosses fingers*******


	12. Give in to Me

Meredith couldn't sleep. She hadn't been able to sleep all week and it was beginning to take a toll on her body. She always slept better in his arms, with his chest pressed to her back, her shield, keeping the demons at bay. But she couldn't have that shield, that safety, without all the rest of it. The relationship. The give and take. The complicated love that terrified her to her very core. She was stuck in a limbo, needing him and running from him all at once.

She had seen him that morning. In an elevator, naturally. It was the first time she had seen him after returning to Seattle. She had left him sleeping in his bed a week before, flying back to Seattle and returning to work the next day. She'd known he would stay with his family, she just hadn't known for how long, so when the elevator doors parted and she saw him standing in front of her, it was all she could do to keep her expression neutral and stand beside him as the elevator began its ascent.

"You're back," she said softly, not daring to look him in the eye.

"Yeah," he replied. "Got back last night."

They rode the rest of the way to the surgical floor in an awkward silence. When the doors finally opened again, she let out a long breath, a breath she didn't know she'd been holding and began to walk away from him, but his voice stopped her. "Meredith."

She turned back to him and met his eyes hesitantly. He could see the anguish and the exhaustion in them and wished he could take it all away. "If you need anything…"

She nodded. "I know."

Twelve hours later, lying in her bed, Meredith needed something. She needed him. She always needed him. She lay there, eyes wide open, in her bed for two more hours, until, in desperation, she grabbed her cell phone from the night table. She didn't mind not sleeping. She'd never been able to get a good night's rest until she met him, so she was used to it. But the baby needed her to sleep. It was that thought that made her hit speed dial one, that kept her from slamming the phone shut as soon as she heard his voice.

"Meredith?" His voice was hoarse. He'd been sleeping.

"Yeah, it's me," she said, hating herself for waking him up, for needing him this much.

"What's wrong?" he asked, more alert now.

"I just…" She trailed off and shook her head. She imagined coming up with some lame excuse and hanging up. She imagined lying in her bed for the next eight hours until her alarm went off. She thought of her baby. _Their _baby. She swallowed hard and forced the words out of her mouth. "Could you come?"

Derek felt his heart leap, then still as his breath caught in his throat. "Of course," he said, hoping his voice didn't betray his emotions. "I'll be right there."

xxx

She was lying on her side facing the window when he appeared in the doorway to her bedroom. She didn't look at him or even acknowledge his presence as he made his way into the room. He draped his coat across the chair in the corner and slipped off his shoes before sitting on the edge of the bed. She felt the mattress dip and then his voice, low and hesitant behind her. "Meredith, would you look at me?"

She didn't want to look at him. She felt ashamed. Ashamed of her inescapable need for him, ashamed that she called him out of his bed in the middle of the night, ashamed that she would use him like this, knowing that she could give nothing else. So she didn't turn towards him. She kept her gaze fixed on the dark window and the moon that hung, suspended in the sky.

She heard him sigh behind her. It was a hopeless sound. "Can I hold you?" he asked, hoping that she would give him at least this. When she didn't reply, he lay down behind her, but didn't touch her yet. "Can I have this? Just for tonight?" His voice was desperate. His need to hold her, to protect her was overwhelming. "Please don't say no," he begged.

"Okay," she finally whispered, still turned away from him.

He smiled and closed the remaining space between them. He slipped one arm under her and one arm over her, sliding his fingers between hers and resting their joined hands over her stomach. He didn't want to stifle her, but when he felt her press back against him, he took it as permission to eliminate any space that remained between their bodies. He fit his legs into the bend of her knees, completely aligning his body with hers, from ankle to knee, knee to hip, and hip to shoulder. He enveloped her tiny frame in his own, resting his head in the delicate curve between her shoulder and neck. She sighed, feeling an odd relief wash over her at him being here and so close. She could feel his heartbeat, the rise and fall of his chest against her back.

"Thank you," he murmured, his breath a tickle against her neck. She smiled, feeling like she should say the same thing. She let out a long breath, letting her body relax, her eyes droop. He felt her breathing even out, her grip on his hand loosen slightly and then she was asleep, safe in his arms.

xxx

Derek didn't want it to be morning. He didn't want to lose her again to the daylight. He loved the way her body went slack in sleep, betraying how truly safe she felt in his arms. In sleep, the planes of her face relaxed, her mouth fell into a gentle frown, and the lines of tension on her brow dissipated. As he lay there, he thought, like he had so many times before, _My God, she's beautiful. _

When they were dating and her snores woke him up early, he would lie beside her in bed and study her face. Memorize the curve of her mouth, the line of her jaw, the bend of her nose. Her face was as familiar to him as the human brain. He knew how it worked. He knew what each tweak of the lips or flit of the eyes meant. He knew that when she smiled a closed-lip smile, it meant she was annoyed. He knew that when she grinned and tilted her head forward just so, it meant she was excited about something. He knew that when she tensed her jaw and focused on the spot right above his left ear instead of his eyes, it meant she wanted something, but was afraid to ask. He knew now that she was about to wake up because of the way her lips pursed slightly and her brow furrowed.

As Meredith woke up, slowly becoming aware of surroundings, she tensed in Derek's arms, but quickly relaxed again when she remembered the reason why she was waking up in his arms. She closed her eyes again, smiled a small smile and let herself relish the sensation of waking up in his arms once again. His body was still pressed against her, their legs entwined, their chests rising and falling in unison. Her shirt was lifted slightly and his hand rested against the bare skin of her stomach. She was holding his other hand loosely between her own. Her smile widened. She'd almost forgotten what it was like to sleep through the night.

Derek felt Meredith tense slightly as her eyes opened, then relax again after a moment. Her eyelids fell shut again and a gentle smile flitted across her lips. He held his breath, waiting for her to pull away, make her excuses and send him on his way, but instead he felt her nestle back against him, eyes still closed, as if unwilling to acknowledge the morning. He grinned and shifted his hand against her stomach, stroking the soft skin before moving it upwards and brushing his fingers against the underside of her breast. He felt a shudder run through her and when he repeated the motion she moaned softly, arching away from him. "Derek," she whimpered. "We shouldn't."

"Why not?" he murmured, pressing his lips against her neck.

She turned in his arms suddenly and regarded him, her expression earnest. "Because all I can give you right now is sex. And I can't do that again. I can't feel that emptiness."

He nodded. He felt horrible. "You're right," he agreed. He sighed and wrapped his arms around her again, pulling her close. "God, I'm sorry, Mer." He kissed her forehead and she bowed her head tucking it under his chin. She felt his hands, warm against her back, and smiled, trailing her fingers across his chest.

"I'm sorry I can't give you more," she whispered.

"You're giving me a baby," he said, a smile in his voice. "I feel like I'm in your debt."

She smiled, but it quickly fell away. "I would understand if you couldn't…If you didn't want to…" She trailed off. She couldn't even say it. _God, _she thought bitterly, _I'm so fucking selfish._

"Meredith, I already told you: I don't want anyone else." As he spoke, his arms tightened around her. "I'll wait for you. I'll wait until you're ready."

She lifted her face away from his chest and caught his gaze. "But what if I'm never ready?"

He smiled a sad smile and reached up, brushing a wayward strand of hair out of her eyes. "I'd be happy just to hold you while you slept for the rest of my life."

"Really?" she breathed. She didn't understand this—this unconditional, selfless love he had for her.

"Really," he said. She nodded slightly and her eyes flitted away from his, focusing on the spot right above his left ear. He smiled knowingly at her expression and reached out, placing his finger under her chin and guiding her gaze back to his. "What is it?"

"Could you…" Her gaze fell to her hands, absently gathering his shirt between her fingers. "Could you come back tonight?"

He shook his head at her in wonder. She really didn't know how much he loved her. That he would do anything for her, follow her anywhere. All she had to do was ask. "I'll be here," he promised.

xxx

Derek pulled on his shoes and laced them quickly. Meredith was already downstairs. He had wanted to take a shower before work and now he was worried she would leave before he could say goodbye. He stood up and walked out into the hallway towards the stairs, but bumped into Izzie exiting his room on the way. "Dr. Shepherd!" she exclaimed, startled by the sudden presence of her boss outside her room.

"Dr. Stevens," he said, smiling as he moved past her towards the stairs.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, the gossip in her making her curious as to what the latest development was with Seattle Grace's legendary couple.

"Oh, you know," he said, pausing on the top step. "I'm just here for Meredith."

"Obviously," Izzie said, quelling the urge to roll her eyes.

Derek nodded. "Yeah, I guess you'll be seeing more of me now, with the baby and all."

Baby. It took a while for the word to register. Izzie opened her mouth, but no words came out. _What baby?_ Derek frowned, his brow furrowing at Izzie's apparent shock over the news. "Dr. Stevens?" he asked. "Are you okay?"

xxx

"So," Cristina said, pointing at Meredith with the corner of her toast. "Let me get this straight. You and Derek are sleeping together. Literally." Meredith nodded. "And that's it? No sex?" She nodded again. "Huh."

"He said he'd wait for me," Meredith said, her voice betraying the astonishment she still felt over his promise.

"He is so in love with you," Cristina mumbled, shaking her head. "It's kind of pathetic."

Meredith grinned, shaking her head at her friend. "Shut up. He'll be down here any second."

And sure enough, at that second, the door to the kitchen slammed open, but it wasn't Derek who came charging into the room, it was Izzie. "You're pregnant?" she exploded.

Cristina glanced at Meredith worriedly. Neither one could tell if Izzie was mad about not being told, excited, or simply shocked. "Um, yes?" Meredith said, her voice soft and meek as if she was asking permission for something.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously."

"Holy crap, Mer! This is unbelievable!"

Meredith winced, her expression somewhere between a grimace and a smile. She still couldn't tell how Izzie felt about the whole thing. But then her face broke into a smile, and Meredith relaxed, letting Izzie pull her into a hug. "I'm so happy for you," she said and Meredith could tell she truly meant it.

Derek, who had watched the whole exchange from the doorway, made his way into the room and practically choked with surprise when Izzie threw her arms around him as well. "Congratulations," she said, pulling back and beaming at them. "Seriously."

"Thanks, Iz," Meredith said. She glanced at Derek and found him watching her intently, a half-smile on his face, undeniable devotion in his gaze. She was just opening her mouth to say something, when Cristina cut her off.

"God," she mumbled. "I'm gonna gag on all the love in here. Can you guys please take this outside?"


	13. Come Around

**Hey, everybody. I know it's been awhile. Sorry about that. But here's a new chapter (finally). This one's a little different. I don't know what came over me when I wrote it. I've been writing a lot of poetry lately, and I think it might've seeped into my prose. I don't know… Let me know what you think! **

Derek opened his eyes and smiled at Meredith. It was the thirteenth day in a row that he had woken up with her in his arms and he was happy. For the first time in a long time, he was happy. He leaned forward, tugging her to him sleepily, and pressed his lips to her forehead and paused to breathe in her smell. Soap and clean laundry and lavender. "Morning," he mumbled, his voice hoarse with sleep and muffled in her hair.

"Morning," she returned, but something in her voice made him pull back and study her face.

"What's wrong?" he asked, frowning.

"Nothing, it's just…" She trailed off and her eyes skittered away from his face.

"Mer, what is it?"

She lifted her hands to his chest and for a moment he didn't know whether she was going to push him away or pull him close. "It's just…" She shook her head and lifted her gaze to him. He watched her lips spread into a small, wondering smile. "It's just that I'm happy."

He grinned. He wanted to kiss her, but they didn't do that anymore. They slept together, but didn't _sleep together_. Those were the rules and he wasn't going to push it. She was happy. "I'm happy too," he told her.

She nodded, grinning, and leaned into him, pressing her face into his chest. She sighed. She was happy.

And then, just like that, she wasn't.

xxx

He waited until the end of the day before coming to her. She was just pulling on her jacket when he walked in. They were the only ones in the locker room and the silence was everywhere, thick in the air. He was waiting for her to say something, but she didn't want to. There was nothing to say. She buttoned the last button, tugged at her collar and turned towards him, her eyebrows raised expectantly. He was the attending in the resident locker room. He was the one who had come for her. She wouldn't talk first, she wouldn't. There was nothing to say.

She walked past him towards the door and pushed it open, but his voice stopped her before she could escape. "Meredith," he said and that was all he said. It wasn't a question or even a full sentence, but it made her pause in the doorway and look at him. He looked tired and like he loved her more than he could explain.

"It's fine," she said quietly, slipping away.

She didn't think he would follow her, but wasn't surprised when he did. He caught up with her in the hallway and placed his hand on the small of her back. He bent close to her ear and whispered, "Talk to me."

But she didn't want to. He had never understood this about her: sometimes, she just wanted to be held. Sometimes, that was all she needed.

She lifted her head to look at him, to say that she was fine, that it was okay, but then he smiled and wrapped his arm around her waist and the lie died in her throat. They got on the elevator together and she leaned against him, resting her head on his shoulder. _This, _she thought tiredly,_ this right here is all I need._ He didn't talk as they descended towards the lobby and for a moment she thought he would let it go, but as the doors parted, he said it again, a simple plea: "Talk to me."

She sighed and moved away from him. "Derek, please."

Behind her, he echoed her sigh, long and ragged. "Please what?"

"Please, let it be. Let it go. Don't make me talk about it."

He jogged forward and stopped in front of her, blocking her path. He searched her face. His face was earnest. "I don't want to _make _you talk about it. I want you to _want _to talk about it."

She sighed again. She was so tired. "Well, I don't want to." She moved past him, praying that he would drop it, but before she could get to the door, he stopped her again.

"Meredith, wait." He walked up behind her and paused, his body only inches from hers. "I just…I want to help you. I want to be there for you."

She bowed her head forward and dragged the back of her hand across her eyes. "If you want to help me, you'll let it be. You'll realize that guilting me into confiding in you will only make it worse, will only make me more uncomfortable, more lost than I already am." She paused and turned around. She moved into his body, her eyes falling away from his face. She ran her hands across his chest. "All I need is this. Just this. Just you," she whispered.

His face was still as she leaned into him. She could tell something was wrong, but she was so tired. "Please, just let it be," she mumbled, her face pressed against his chest.

She felt him bend close, felt his lips brush her cheek. "I can't," he said, low and hollow and this time, he was the one who walked away. This time, she was the one who followed.

It was raining, a light mist falling from the sky, as she ran towards him in the parking lot. "Don't do that," she said, calling after him. He turned around. He looked just as hurt as she did. "Don't say that. It's not fair."

"It's the truth," he said bluntly.

She shook her head, tilting her face towards the sky. "Why? Why is this so important to you?"

"Why?" he repeated, stepping closer. "Because I love you. Because I want you. All of you. I want your sadness and your pain just as much as I want your happiness. I want to be the one you come to when your heart is broken. I want to be there for you."

"But you are! Everyday, you are there for me. Do you have any idea how much that means to me?"

"Then why won't you talk to me?" he cried, exasperated and confused.

She was quiet. She stared at him wonderingly. "Don't you get it? Don't you understand? You already have everything. I've let you in as far as you can go."

He scoffed, his expression unrelenting. "Saying you're fine after your pregnant patient dies on the table in front of you, is not letting me in."

She frowned, feeling her frustration rise. "Well what do you want me to say, Derek?" Her voice was quiet, stony. Ice. "Do you want me to say that I feel like a failure? That I feel like a murderer? Do you want me to say that the minute her heart stopped, I felt a grief so overwhelming that I could barely stand? Do you want me to say that? Would that make you feel better?"

"Meredith…" He trailed off. He looked sad.

"All I wanted was you. Why can't you see that? All I needed was you. I thought you would understand that. I didn't think I would have to explain myself to _you_ of all people."

"Meredith," he breathed, then silence. Heavy and unforgiving.

"I have to go."

xxx

A long time ago, he went with her to visit her mother. He sat on a couch, opposite one of the greatest surgeons of his time, and watched as the woman he loved tried to make her mother remember. Tried to make her mother _see _her. But all Ellis Grey could remember was surgery. She looked at Meredith with searching, confused eyes and said she was late for surgery. Meredith showed her pictures and called her mommy and waited, her face alight with a childlike hope.

Afterwards, they sat in the car for a long time. He sat beside her and held her hand and she stared out the window. Her face was a mixture of hurt and bewilderment and grief. Her mother didn't remember. Someone she loved didn't remember who she was. And this, more than anything, was what broke her heart.

xxx

The knock on his trailer door came in the early hours of morning. He rolled out of bed and opened the door. She walked inside and stood beside his sink. He made his way back to his bed and sat down on the edge. "When she flat lined, do you know what I thought of first?"

"What?"

"That day a few weeks after prom when I thought I was pregnant. I was so scared and so…_annoyed_ that this could happen to me. I didn't want to have a baby. I never wanted to have a baby." She glanced at him and her eyes were full of guilt. "I took it for granted. Like it was easy to create life, like it was a nuisance. Something to be dealt with. It never occurred to me how fleeting it is. It all is."

She paused and let out a long breath. She leaned against the counter, her head bowed towards the ground. "I love our baby so much, Derek. I never knew it was possible to _feel_ this much and it scares me. I don't know what to do. I was happy this morning. You make me _so _happy. And I'm so…I'm so confused." She lifted her face and he saw the tears running down her cheeks, dripping from her chin.

"Come here," he said. She looked at him, her face doubtful. He smiled a weary, comforting smile and reached a hand toward her, beckoning. "Come here," he said, softer this time.

She walked over and stood in front of him. He tilted his head up at her sad face and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her onto his lap. She curled against him as he wrapped his arms around her, cradling her against his chest. Her exhaustion and the relief of his arms made her tears fall even harder and she choked out a sob, shaking against him. "Derek, I—"

"Shhh," he said. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I understand."

She nodded and drew in a shuddering breath. "Thank you," she hiccupped, her voice soft and raspy.

He nodded, his lips in her hair. "You're okay now," he murmured. She took another deep breath, her face pressed to his chest, her hands clinging at his shirt. He wanted to cry at her innocence. He wanted to make love to her in the dewy light of dusk. But they didn't do that anymore.

He sat there for a long time, cradling her like a little girl, and in the earliest hours before sunrise, she fell asleep. He stood up, lifting her in his arms, and set her down on his bed. Then he lay down beside her and pulled her close and slept.

**Like it? Hate it? Either way, please REVIEW!!!!**

**P.S. I just realized that scene in the parking lot where she runs after him and says, "Don't do that!" is very Leyton-esque. Lucas and Peyton were adorable, though, so I don't mind paying 'em a little tribute. :) **


	14. Fumbling Towards Ecstasy

**Yay! Another chapter! Finally! Sorry for the wait, but I think you guys will like this one. So without further ado, please read on… **

When he woke up, she wasn't next to him. She was sitting on the couch at the opposite end of the trailer, looking at him quizzically. He sat up and rubbed his eyes and smiled sleepily. She looked beautiful and wonderfully disheveled. "Morning," he murmured.

"You said you would wait for me."

He nodded, unfazed by the accusation. "I know."

"You didn't," she said.

"No," he agreed, "I didn't."

She nodded and he saw it again—that doubt in her eyes. "I'm sorry," he offered. She nodded again, but still seemed unsure. "Meredith," he said, softer this time. Gentler. "I am sorry."

"I know you are," she said, but he knew she didn't mean it. He suddenly realized how close he had come to losing her and the thought scared him.

He got up and walked closer to her, pausing a few feet away from her. He regarded her carefully. "You make me crazy," he said evenly. She glanced up at him, bemused, but he only shook his head, smiling softly. "You always have," he continued. "You're so beautiful and so sexy and I…" _I want you._

He didn't say anything more and she was quiet for a long time. When she finally looked at him, her eyes were confused and hesitant and wondering. She stood up and took a few steps toward him, pausing just outside his reach. His words hung between them, crackling in the air like electricity. She was aware of him and he was aware of her. For one, halting moment, he saw her in perfect detail—from the outline of her lips to the curve of her waist to the swell of her breasts. He remembered touching her. He remembered her body. The way her skin felt beneath his fingertips. The way she gazed at him, half-lidded and wanting, just before he filled her. The way she trembled slightly when she let go, falling against him, beautiful and loved.

He wanted her. She could see it in his face, in his eyes as they roved hungrily across her body. She watched the frustration rise as he stifled the want once again. No sex. That was the rule. He would follow it. He would do it for her, even if it drove him mad. She closed her eyes and recognized her own ache. The ache for him and his arms. For his smell. For the way he kissed her mouth and her forehead and her breasts. For the way he pulled her languid body against his and stroked her until she came.

She wanted him. He could see it in her face, in the way her eyes drifted shut and her body trembled. He reached across the space between them and touched her waist. She let out a small sigh at his touch. Her neck arched forward towards the ground. She gripped the edge of the sink. He waited for her to say it. _Wait, stop, we can't_. But the words never came and suddenly, he was everywhere around her, rough and wanting.

He grabbed her waist and yanked her body against his. His mouth found hers. His kisses were desperate and hard and filled with everything stifled, everything ignored. She felt his stubble scratching along her chin as he dipped his lips to her neck. He nipped and sucked at her and pressed his thigh between her legs. Frantic for his body, she lifted her hands to his shirt but he pushed them out of the way. She let out a feeble whine of protest but he only smiled smugly, reveling in her desperation. He pulled her shirt away from her body and pushed her forward aimlessly. She stumbled backwards until she hit the wall. The impact wasn't hard, but it was just enough to make her gasp and suddenly, he froze. She was confused and annoyed that he had stopped. She slouched against the wall. "Don't stop," she breathed, her chest rising and falling unevenly.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

She frowned. He was still touching her, but not in any satisfying way. His hands trailed gently across her body. The frenzy was over. The need was gone. "What?" she mumbled stupidly.

"Did I hurt you?" he said. He sounded genuinely worried and it was enough to pull her partway out of her haze.

"Hurt me? What? No, of course not." She made a whimpering sound low in her throat and tugged him forward, but he didn't budge.

He let out a long, unsteady breath and rested his hand against her stomach. "I'm sorry," he murmured and she suddenly understood why he had stopped. He thought he had been too rough. He thought he had hurt her.

"Derek," she said, her tone almost annoyed. "I'm fine."

"You're sure?"

She sighed and nodded. When had she become so fragile to him? It was annoying. She didn't want to talk anymore. She wanted him. She pulled him forward and he obligingly pressed his body against hers, pinning her between him and the wall. He found her lips again, but the hunger was gone. He was tender and careful and kind. He held her gently, like she would break. She hated it. She pulled away. "Would you quit it?"

He frowned. "Quit what?"

"Touching me like I'm going to break," she said.

He smiled at her standing before him in her bra, arms crossed, glaring. "Fine," he said, grinning. "We can have hot hate sex if you want."

The corner of her lips twinged upwards, but she stubbornly managed to keep her scowl in place. "I do want hot hate sex. I love hot hate sex," she informed him cheekily.

He pressed his palms against the wall on either side of her head and leaned close to her. "I know you do," he breathed, his mouth at her neck. She parted her lips and sighed. Her hands drifted upwards into the open collar of his shirt. He let her explore his chest and shoulders and back and then he grabbed her wrists abruptly, pinning them above her head. She smiled. Much better.

He kissed her fiercely, his entire body aligned with hers. She wanted to touch him, to get rid of his shirt, but he held her hands fast against the wall. She arched against him, hitching her leg up at his waist and he finally gave in, releasing her arms so he could scoop her up and deposit her on the bed. She landed against the sheets and he immediately bent over her, undoing the button on her jeans and sliding them down off her legs. She reached for him then and he lowered himself on top of her, suspending his weight in his arms. Her fingers found his shirt and flew down the line of buttons. He sat up and rolled the shirt off his shoulders before lying down beside her. He pulled her against his naked chest, his lips dipping to her breasts. She sighed. _Finally._

xxx

Meredith walked into the resident's locker room and shrugged out of her coat. She was just opening her locker when an oh-so-familiar voice piped up behind her. "You had sex," it declared.

"Cristina," she grumbled tiredly.

"Ha! I knew it," her best friend cried triumphantly as if Meredith's answer had completely confirmed her suspicions. "You guys _suck _at being just friends."

Meredith sighed and slumped down on the bench in front of her locker. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Too bad," Cristina said cheerfully, plopping down next to her friend.

"It was a mistake," Meredith said definitively. "A slip up."

"You two are getting really good at those," Cristina said, eyeing Meredith's abdomen significantly.

Meredith absentmindedly smacked her friend's shoulder, feeling a surge of guilt in her chest. She had left the trailer without talking to Derek, slipping away silently, leaving so many things unsaid. It seemed to be her specialty. "What's wrong with me?" she asked dejectedly.

Cristina snorted. "What isn't?"

Meredith scowled. "Thanks, Cris, that's really helpful."

"What are best friend's for?"

xxx

Near the end of her shift, Meredith got paged to an on call room. She knew Derek would be waiting for her. She could only imagine his anger, his despair. The thought nearly made her turn around and go home, but she didn't. She found the room easily and knocked on the door. "Meredith?" his voice called from within.

She pushed the door open and stepped inside. She looked at the floor, the bed, the lamp. Anywhere but his face. She waited for the yelling, the accusations. "Meredith," he began. She cringed. "I'm so sorry." _What?_

She looked up at him abruptly. Her eyes were filled with confusion but he mistook it for doubt. He rushed forward, the words tumbling out of his mouth. "I should've known better. I should've stopped. I know you said no sex and I understand that and I respect that and it won't happen again."

"Derek, I—"

"No, please, you have to believe me. I never meant to…to take advantage of you."

"Take advantage of me?" Meredith repeated, bewildered by his obvious remorse. "I practically begged you, Derek."

"Yes, but you said—"

"I know what I said."

He fell silent chastened by her abrupt tone. She shook her head and turned away from him, eyeing the door longingly. It would be so easy to walk away and revert back to her old, dysfunctional self. Derek would ask if they could be "just friends" again and she would say yes and a couple weeks from now, driven half-mad with want, they would tumble into bed and enjoy yet another slip up. She turned back to him. "I have an appointment tomorrow," she told him softly. "A doctor's appointment."

He nodded. "Okay."

She swallowed and took a hesitant step toward him. "Do you want to come?" she asked, her voice unsteady and unsure.

His eyes went wide and then he grinned, nodding his head. "I'd love to," he said.

He watched as she relaxed, as the most beautiful, relieved smile spread across her features. He closed the space between them, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her against his body. She rested her hands against his chest; he could feel their warmth seeping through his scrub shirt. "Thank you," he whispered, his voice fierce, his eyes full.

She only smiled and kissed his cheek, before bowing her head and resting it on his chest, right above his heart.

**So this is the beginning of the end of this story, I'm afraid. Meredith and Derek are on the road to happiness. I'm thinking that a few more chapters will wrap it up nicely. Don't worry—I won't deprive you of baby fluff, but I'll probably jump ahead a few months in the next few chapters. Anyway, enough rambling. I hope you enjoyed the chapter! Review!**


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